Last night was one of the worst nights I’ve ever had since returning to England. I was asked to DJ last-minute due to another DJ cancelling so I jumped at the chance, it’s more money after all and that’s something I really need now a days.
Everything was going really good and I kicked ass lol, well, up until about 11pm. I all of a sudden became very anxious and on edge. I walked away from the DJ booth and headed into the bathroom to just have a couple of minutes to try sort myself out, that happened a couple of times. The boss kept asking me if I was ok but that seemed to make it worse. I went back to DJing finally and I just broke down in tears. I had one of those moments where I felt nothing was ever going to get better, I was never going to see my daughter, I’m never going to find real work, I’m never going to be able to visit the states again let alone move there and I was pretty certain everyone I’ve ever crossed paths with in my life hated me with such passion. I was so certain of every one of those things. Then the suicidal thoughts entered my head.
I don’t believe I ever would commit suicide but last night I thought it was probably for the best. I’m never going to have money because I’m in so much debt, I’m living in a country that makes me miserable and I have two children to support and be there for but I have no way of supporting them financially because of my debt. I love my kids more than life itself and I will do anything I can to be there for them but last night I was so sure they’d be better off without me. Anyway I walked up to the boss in the bar where I was DJing and asked him if I could leave early. He said he could tell something was wrong and said I could go. When I got to where I’m staying I just walked around outside trying my best to contain myself and get these stupid thoughts out of my head. I managed to get rid of most of the thoughts, went inside, got in bed and cried myself to sleep.
This morning I felt OK. Embarrassed but ok. Now I’m thinking about Father’s Day tomorrow. I’m spending the day with my boy which is great. I bet I don’t get a card or a message or a “kiss my ass though”. Anyway I’ve decided to go back to the doctors on Monday, I can’t handle another night like that. I’m already half the man I was before and people are starting to notice. People asking me constantly if I’m ok, what happened in America because I’ve not been myself since I got back and even been told I seem cold. I don’t really care what people think but I hate that it’s making people ask questions. I hate attention and sympathy. I know they’re only concerned but it’s just not my thing.
Anyway I just needed to vent that out about last night. Maybe my next post will be a positive one, I got my boy tomorrow yey 😀 I’m excited.
Song: Stone Sour – Song #3
So last night was a bad night. I fell asleep around 11pm then woke suddenly at 2am with my mind spinning and going crazy with thoughts that I couldn’t shake.
I couldn’t stop thinking of Laura and the baby. Everyday I worry that they’re OK and wish Laura could confide in me and let me be there for her. She already has two young kids and keeps horses she has to care for daily so I know she must have a lot on. I’ve let her know before that I’m here if she ever wants to just talk or wants me to help in any way I can but I got attitude from her. I can’t force it I know but it still doesn’t stop me worrying and caring. I wish I could just shut it off but I can’t no matter how much I try. I ended up crying out of worry last night which somehow made it worse. It’s hard when you are a father who loves his kids more than anything but can’t be there to help raise your daughter because of the fucking stupid USA immigration system.
This morning I’ve already obsessed over the immigration laws yet again and spent along time in my head trying to figure ways I can move there and be with my daughter but can’t seem to find a way. I applied for a university today to be a councillor. I already have a massive interest and have many years experience in mental health so hopefully I could get a degree and that would help me get sponsored and able me to move over to Florida. Either way I’m not going to give up. I have a daughter who is due on 10th July and I want/need to be a dad to her no matter what it takes. I have fight in me but no patience right now.
Anyway I’m going to head off. Got to get my set list in order for my DJ set tonight. Got to put that fake “I’m a happy chap” face on again. It’s exhausting.
Song for the day: Shinedown – How Did You Love
So I woke up this morning feeling a little better about myself for no reason really lol. Had a nice long shower while listening to one of my favourite bands Chevelle. Singing maybe a bit too loudly and badly lol. While I was pampering myself in the mirror after I took a long hard look at myself and just thought, I’m not that bad looking and I can move forward with life. I don’t think I’m gorgeous lol and my nose isn’t getting any smaller but I’ve seen people a lot more uglier than me and I’m happy with that. I’ve seen ex girlfriends current boyfriends and thought I’m way hotter than them. Might be getting an ego lol.
I went to hang out with an old friend yesterday which was nice. We just chilled out and took it easy. Just helped me clear my mind. I even avoided the Internet most of the day. Today my friend from New York is flying into Manchester, I’m looking forward to hanging out with her. She’s been there for me for months. Shes the kind of friend who will tell me when I’m wrong or being stupid. We all need a friend like that. She has a huge heart too. I don’t trust anybody anymore and I have this huge wall up but she probably is the closest person to breaking that wall down right now.
When you give yourself entirely to someone and become vulnerable then that trust and devotion gets destroyed it becomes really hard. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let someone know the real me ever again but who knows what time can do 🙂
Song: Chevelle – Sleep Apnea
So over this last week I’ve been talking to my immigration lawyer about moving back over to Florida permanently. We’ve come up with two options that are very plausible. In the next few weeks I should have an idea when I can actually travel back over. I need to be there for my daughter. As far as my son goes I think his mum would be happy to bring him over a few times a year as long as she comes too which is fine by me. That’s a conversation to have yet though. I believe massively in communication. It doesn’t matter whether you like someone or not I believe you need to get on for the children’s sake at least.
So it’s now June. This month and next month will be really hard. My daughter will be born in a month, due July 10th and I still haven’t had a single message or email from her mother regarding any information, and scan pictures or and plans for after she’s born. She blocked me from ever form of communication so I can’t get in touch myself. I just thought she were better than this but I guess there’s still some time before the baby comes for her to contact me. I hope she manages to mature soon.
It’s very hard not being there and not knowing anything. Being completely pushed out and kept in the dark. I think about the baby every day and even struggle sleeping worrying about Laura and Abby. I know Laura had a tough time with her son mentally so I’m worried about her health. I did let her know I’m here if she needs someone or just to talk but I won’t hold my breath. She’s got this huge hatred for me that I still don’t understand but there doesn’t seem to be anything more I can do. I hope that when I manage to get to Florida she’ll let me spend time with my daughter at least.
I went to the doctors for my update on my depression and he doubled my dosage which annoyed me but I guess if it’ll help that’s good but nothing seems to be happening yet. No lift in mood, no appetite and still not sleeping more than two to three hours a night.
Anyway things are looking up for my immigration so that’s a positive.
Song: Seether – Breakdown
Ok you might need to sit down, this is a positive post lol.
Today I spent the day with my little man. I went to pick him up this morning and his face absolutely lit up when he saw me in the car (that’s quite normal but it still makes my heart go soft) and we sat together on the journey home spotting pilons in the distance. He’d say “daddy look! There a big one” and we both get so excited.
When we got back home we played with his new car garage I built yesterday for a while before heading out for lunch. He ran like crazy when we entered the pub and he ran behind the bar right through and into the kitchen 😂 See this kid is fast as fuck lol. I ran in after him and he was waiting for me with a very proud look on his face.
Ok this part pissed me off. After lunch we headed to the park and everything was good until this girl about 6 turned up and Tommy-Lee took a shine to her and began following her. She kept saying “stop following me” and Tommy replied every time “stop shouting, come on let’s play” lol. All of a sudden she pushed him really hard and knocked him over, he looked devastated. I nearly started shouting and screaming because I was so annoyed but luckily her dad stepped in and gave her a bollocking. We left nearly straight away.
About 4:30pm we went to my nieces birthday party at this play gym and that was great. I went in with Tommy and he’s a lot faster than me and kept saying “come on daddy! Hurry up” lol, little shit. It was so funny though. Every now and then we got to the big slide three floors up and Tommy kept getting scared but towards the end him and me went down together, him on my knee. He then wanted to repeat it over and over, I was exhausted but we owned that bitch by the end. Tommy even became cocky when other kids were scared to go down haha.
i had to take him back to his mother after that. When we arrived he didn’t want to get out of the car, he kept saying “no daddy! Tommy stay at daddy’s house” 😞 Broke my heart but eventually got him to cooperate. After I took him in I he gave me a kiss bye and told me he loves me. Had to have a little cry on the way home. I’m such a pussy lol. He was so exhausted I bet he sleeps well tonight though lol. I love him so goddamn much.
That’s all I wanted to write about today. It was so much fun and I’m having him a few times this week as his daycare is shut for the week. I can’t wait 😊
I haven’t written in a few days because to be honest I’ve been too down to write. Thursday was a low for me. It was my sons third birthday and he isn’t here. To be honest I wouldn’t have seen him anyway because I was going to be in Florida but at least then I would have been able to concentrate on my new family and little girl but just being in England, just sat thinking makes this a whole lot harder. I’m better today because I get to have my boy all day and we’re going to my nieces birthday party. To be honest I hate party’s and my sisters group of friends but I love watching Tommy-Lee playing with the other kids and plus he always wants me to play with him too, I love that.
I’ve been called a lot of names over the last few months from people who don’t even know me lol. I’m mentally unstable, an alcoholic, a stalker and a bad dad just to name a few. I’m usually so strong that people can say what they like and it wouldn’t bother me because I know the truth but it has been hard when it’s affecting my future with my kids. I enjoy a drink but I never go over bored or do it often. When I was in my teens I used to drink like crazy for fun with friends but now a days I don’t even want to drink. The problem in my city is that no one ever wants to hang out and do anything different. If you want to see people they are all in the pubs. I just decided not to see them unless I’m in the bar doing DJing. I don’t know why I’m a stalker lol, that one makes me laugh. Even if I wanted to stalk I couldn’t be bothered and plus I’m not too interested in what others do. I’ve got enough to sort out and think about. Mentally unstable, I wouldn’t say that at all. After I sold my car, house, furniture, gave up my job and took a loan out to move to Florida to be with my fiancé and unborn daughter for that to end a week after I arrived I got depression (doctors said) so I guess that’s as far as that goes and bad dad? Fuck off! My kids have and always will come first.
It’s the Slamdunk Festival tomorrow in Leeds and I really wanted to go, there are some awesome bands I really want to see but I’m with my boy and I’m happier with that 🙂
Anyway that was just a little update and a rant
Be nice to each other
Song for today: Sick Puppies – Riptide
So these last couple of days have been going well. Feeling wise. I still need a job and to pay off my debt that I got into to move to Kissimmee, FL in February but even though I’m still technically in the shit up to my eye balls I’m looking at this as a new start. I’ve learned a lot about myself and other people over the last few months. Trust no one. My entire life is now about my kids and me. No women. Fuck that.
I emailed my ex fiancé on Monday just asking how she was and that I’m here if she needs anything but got attitude so I just left it. I refuse to give attitude and be difficult. There’s a child involved so I’m going to do the right thing and just be nice and as cooperative as possible. I won’t lie I still never stop worrying or thinking about it.
My depression is better today. I’m actually feeling very possitive. To think I was suicidal a month ago lol. The pills I’m on don’t really seem to be improving my mood but they’re helping a little with my appetite. Anyway I’m back at the doctors on Monday for a review so we’ll see what happens then.
This morning I went to the park with my new niece. She’s only 2 months old but still it was nice to take her out for a little bit. Right now I’m sat cuddled up with my other niece watching Micky Mouse, she’s 3 on Sunday. It’s my sons birthday tomorrow too but he’s away with his mum in Cornwall.
My aims in life now are pretty simple. Find a good job, make sure both my kids are happy and spend as much time with them as possible, stop smoking (I’m really starting to hate it) and fly back out to Orlando as soon as possible.
Anyway I’m going to head off. I’m DJing again tonight so want to get a start on the music 🤘
Album of the day: PaPa Roach – Crooked Teeth
Today as been difficult already and it’s only noon. I hardly slept at all last night with my mind racing but I just couldn’t switch it off. At 5 am I was doing a little workout next to my bed and eventually went for a run in the freezing cold. It was so quiet out.
My sister and cousin have both had baby girls recently and they’re both so beautiful. My sister came up this morning with my niece and I held her nearly the entire two hours she was here. My grandma then decides to get on social media and show me pictures of my cousins little girl. It’s all good, it really is but having these babies around knowing I have a little girl who will be due in a month and three weeks who I can’t see or get no updates about just made me have to leave the room and start crying again.
I went along with Laura to a scan in February and that was amazing and emotional. The lady there told us there was going to be a more detailed scan coming up at some point nearer the due date which I was really looking forward to. I don’t know when that date is or even if Laura’s going to attend it but I have this feeling I’m not going to get a picture or even an email to let me know how the baby is or how the scan it self went after she’s been. It’s so hard not being able to be involved. I have a way to contact Laura but she made it very clear she wants no contact or anything to do with me but I’m just sat in hope at the moment that things will change somewhere and I’ll get some kind of message.
Seeing my niece today created such a mix of emotions. It was supposed to be a happy time but I got really emotional while trying to hide it. One thing I know about myself for sure is that I’m a good dad and my kids are everything to me. It’s all getting nearly too much but it’s the putting on a straight happy face that’s also really exhausting.
Anyway I better shoot off. I’m helping a local band with a photoshoot soon.
Be nice to each other.
Yesterday was a weird one. I spent most of the day going from searching for work and mopping around thinking about my daughter.
I got a message from a friend I haven’t seen for years and used to hang out with after school. She invites me round her place as it isn’t far. We used to be so close back in the early 2000s but nothing prepared me for what she was going to say. I went round and we stayed up all night talking. Turns out she’s just come out of a long-term relationship with a guy who was beating her for years. She told me that she also aborted a baby because she didn’t want him to beat the baby when it was born. My friend was in a right state. We spent all night just talking, crying and hugging. I also told her about my situation (which seems nothing compared) and she was so lovely about everything. I gotta say I am so proud of how she’s turned out. She’s very strong and mature. She said she felt like she couldn’t talk to anyone but me which was nice to hear but also very sad. We ended up listening to music and even cleaned her house lol. Finally got back to my place about 5am. I’m going to contact her after I’ve finished writing this to see how she she’s doing.
I know it’s a little depressing but I thought I’d write about it because it’s been in my head all day. I struggle to see how people can be so nasty in any situation and can be so selfish. Why can’t people just be nice and kind to each other? I guess I’ll never understand other humans.
Look after each other
So today has been amazing. My son Tommy-Lee will be three years old on Thursday. He is going away with his mother and grandparents to Cornwall for a week tomorrow so will be away on his birthday. I won’t be able to be with him (as I was not supposed to be back from Florida) so I decided to have a little father son birthday day just us.
My grandad picked him up from his nanas house, as I still don’t have a car yet, and brought him to the house. We opened presents together and even had a birthday cake which he got so excited about. The weather held up so I took him to the park and we played for quite a while. The poor guy is so exhausted right now, he’s cuddled up to me with his juice watching PJ Masks while I’m writing this.
Days like today make me feel so happy and grateful. The only days I’m happy anymore is when I’m with my boy. Every problem just disappears for the time I’m with him. It does make me sad to think I’ll miss his actual birthday but I was already prepared for that and luckily he’s only three so probably won’t notice I’m not there, especially when he’s going on holiday. It does make me really sad to think that I’m going to miss out on everything my daughter will go through. From first steps, first words, first birthday to even just her first smile. It’s complete agony when I think about that stuff. I spend a lot of time looking at the scan pictures and the message I got from Laura when she first told me she was pregnant (I took a screen shot, I try to keep what I can for memories lol). I’ve even shown my son pictures of his sisters scan and he says “baby sister”, it’s so cute 😍
Anyway I’m going to just leave it there. Today’s been so nice and heart warming. Plus I wanna play some more before it’s time to take him back. I love playing with him lol, I’m like a big kid lol.