Life Is Looking Good

I know I haven’t written in a while, to be honest it’s just been work keeping me away. Even though my job pays shit I still enjoy it.

This last week has been crazy. I’ve been living homeless since Saturday until I can find a place, I’ve been doing a little couch surfing, sleeping in garages and even in my car. It could be worse, at least it’s warm lol. My town has still not fully recovered from Irma so I’ve been out helping with the neighbor hood clean up which is cool, I’ve been cutting trees and dragging them in to my car to dispose of. Thing is in my village there is a lot of elderly people and single parents with kids so they have been in need of help. Saying that I should probably clean out my car.

My girlfriend has been so cool lately, she’s so positive, happy, sick sense of humour lol, and calls on me everyday to just say hey, tell me about some stupid shit and to say she loves me. She’s a star. I hate it when she puts her self down, she has body image issues (who doesn’t to be fair). I’m in the best shape of my life but still am not happy. The thing is she looks amazing, gorgeous eyes, sexy as hell smile and the best butt I’ve seen in my life 😜 I really wish she could see herself through my eyes.

I’ve decided to start up a new blog too. But this one will only be for my daughter to read. It’s basically going to be me writing weekly or monthly to her and it gives her the chance to reply if she wants. Like our own communication system. It’s going to be awful for her growing up without a father, I know so many people who have and they all tell me they wish they’d have had some kind of contact. When you have no contact with your child that you love more than life itself it’s hard. She’s just over three months old now and I miss her every day. I decided to do this second blog so at least in the future she can read it and know her daddy always cared, always loved her and always wanted to be in her life. I will still send Birthday and christmas cards every year but my fear is that if her mother moves then I will never know and Abigail will never get them. Still will send them though just incase. I need to stop worrying about it so much, it’s been taken out of my control so there’s not much I can do about it but I will always do what I can.

Song: RA – Do You Call My Name

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Post Irma

So on Saturday Irma hit Florida. Seen as though I was going to be house bound for two days I decided to throw a bit of a hurricane party. Last year Matthew did fuck all in Orlando but the same precautions where taken as this year. Ok, Irma was different, she was a strong bitch. At about 10pm she shifted course and headed straight for Orlando and Kissimmee. The eye of the storm came right at us and she fucked shit up. It was so dark, loud and the wind was so powerful I couldn’t even open the door to go outside. It was awesome. Everyone was in panic but I never have scared easy so I was loving it & my adrenaline was high so I wanted to go outside into Irma. I did a few times, she nearly knocked me on my arse.

Anyway, in the morning when all was said and done my street was hardly touched. A  tree came down opposite and lost of debris blue that was it. Everywhere else in my town was different. Complete destruction everywhere. I went for a walk and saw so many large trees uprooted and thrown into the roads and people’s homes. I couldn’t stand seeing the residents attempting to clear things up by themselves when they were clearly and understandably so emotional. I spent all Sunday and Monday helping my neighbors with clearing the trees and whatever else they needed. It was a complete disaster area. It was just so weird how my street seemed to be the only one unscathed.

All my friends were fine, Amery was fine, even the 80 year old couple 3 floors up were fine. I wonder about other areas in Orlando that I haven’t seen but I’m more concerned about my daughter. I didn’t expect to hear anything but I still held on to hope that someone somewhere might have had the decency to at least just let me know. I watched the news when they were mentioning the deaths Irma caused just incase, nothing about her. If she’s ok then that’s all that really matters but still I don’t know anything. Hopefully soon enough my case for visitation will have gone through and I’ll be just as involved as her mums side. We’ll see.

Song: Stone Sour – Fabulous

Irma

Hey. So today is Friday and as most people know there’s hurricane Irma heading for Florida. Right now it’s a Cat 5 but according to the news it’ll be a Cat 4 by the time it hits Orlando. I live in the Orlando area and it’s “supposed” to get bad here. Usually I don’t care, think it’s all fear mongering and to be honest I still do. In October hurricane Matthew hit and the media made it out to be really bad but we didn’t get touched. I spent the whole time chatting and laughing with my ex fiancé about how stupid it was. It was fine.

I still believe this is going to be no big deal (well, compared to the medias description). What’s actually nice is that Orlando is pretty quite. Everyone’s at home, the store or have evacuated. I’m going nowhere lol. I’ve spent the last few days helping old folks prepare who can’t do things themselves.

Amerys being really funny. We’re talking stupid and making dumb jokes about it. She’s a little further north than me so she keeps having little serious moments of concern for me and I her to be honest. Hell, you got to try make light of bad situations.

Whats worrying me this time is if I’m wrong. Fuck my safety, I’ll be fine, always am but I have friends who are scared and my daughter. If things do get really bad then I don’t know what to do. If the power goes down then I won’t be able to contact my friends, Amery or even know if my daughters ok. That scares the shit out of me. I’m scared now. My friends and Amery I am constantly chatting to so that’s good for now but my daughter, I have no idea if she has everything she needs, is going to be safe and afterwards if she’s actually ok. If she hears a loud crash from outside, will that scare her? I know her mum will make sure she’s safe the best she can but if it’s really bad you can only do so much. I just hope someone lets me know if my girl is safe and ok.

Song: Theory Of A Deadman – Hurricane

lol ok that was cheesy. Here’s a real one.

Hellyeah – Love Falls

Labor Day

Happy Labor Day people. To be honest I wouldn’t have noticed it was Labor Day if the radio hadn’t mentioned it a million times and the football season hadn’t started, I’ve had too much work on which has kept me busy. I decided to take the afternoon off at the last minute to just chill.

I’ve spent most of the morning on the phone with a friend from the U.K. Chatting to her little boy, Harry. It’s always nice when people from England reach out to chat complete shit with me, it can get lonely here sometimes and I’m sure my friends sense it as they always call when I’m starting to go a little nuts lol.

Talking to Harry made me a sad though. Just as we hung up I was just heading into Target and found myself stood staring at the baby clothes, toys and accessories. I promised myself I’m going to stop being depressing but I became very down and empty. I miss and love my little girl so much it kills me. It’s weird missing someone you’ve never met but to me that’s only made it worse. Fuck I love that gorgeous girl, I just hope she knows that daddy does love her more than life itself and would do anything to be in her life. Not being there wasn’t my choice at all and I’d be there at the drop of a hat anytime.

Anyway depressing shit done lol. I spent all day talking to Amery yesterday (as usual lol) and she’s being amazing as usual. On top of her very busy study schedule she’s just started a new job. She’s finding it tricky but she’s loving it. I’m proud of you girl 😜🤘

I’ve lost quite a bit of weight too over the last couple of months. With all the exercise and healthy eating, I’m feeling really good. I haven’t weighed myself, I’m a guy after all lol but I can feel it and see it. Like I said in my last post people have been complimenting my looks a lot lately, maybe it’s because I’m feeling a lot more confident in myself and people can see it. That’s always nice even though I hate attention lol.

Anyway I’m going to start this book I’ve had for a couple of weeks but haven’t had time to read lol.

P.S. There’s a hurricane heading to FL, Irma, due Saturday. Bring it on bitch!

Song: Breaking Benjamin – Simple Design

Vain

This week has been pretty good so far but busy. Apart from the storms and rain most of the week today is hot as hell. I wouldn’t be British if I didn’t complain about the weather constantly lol. I purchased myself a little new car about a month ago and yesterday I had to take it in to the shop for an oil change, it’s second hand but she does great, he’ll she’s been to Tampa and Jacksonville already. Haven’t thought of a name for her yet but I will eventually lol.

I ordered a framed picture of my daughter using one of the only pictures I have of her so that should arrive in a few days, I’m really looking forward to that coming, she’s so beautiful it’s crazy. She’s definitely going to be a heart breaker when she grows up. I love her like mad.

On Tuesday I had my fourth date in a month (slag I know 😂), this girl seemed cool and I think were going out again next week. We ate dinner then talked about what we want from our future lives eventually. What I’ve really appreciated from all my dates is that they’re really understanding about me having two children that I can’t see, I’m honest so I felt that should be known off the bat and every girl has been really cool about it. That surprised me.

Call me vain but after the shit this year it’s nice to have some positive attention from the opposite sex. I’m tough as hell usually but I still don’t know how to deal with compliments about my appearance so I tend to just blush and go shy. These compliments have come from every date I’ve been on and even random people while out having lunch or just getting gas. I never noticed it before, maybe it’s because I’ve had more confidence lately or something, either way it’s nice. Compliments can make people feel better regardless of their mood so yea, be nice to people 🙂

Anyway I’m heading out, gotta do some college work (I’m working on my mental health career in the US, don’t know if I mentioned that before) I have the qualifications in the U.K. but it’s different in the US.

Song: Hinder – 2 Sides of Me

Music

I’ve been writing depressing shit as of late and to be honest I’m done. I’m exhausted emotionally and I’ve been concentrating on being my old self again. I used to be the kind of guy everyone wanted to hang out with, chat to, go on adventures with and most importantly discuss music with. I’d get messages from friends as soon as new songs dropped or a new CD came out and we’d talk about it for hours. So today I just want to talk about some of the songs/artists I’ve been listening to lately. In no particular order.

1. Hinder

When I say Hinder I mean with the old singer (Austin Winkler). I always called these guys the ‘modern day Motley Crue’ based on their love of partying, sex and love. They touch me in me heart every time I listen to them. We’ve all experienced the things they write about. One night stands, drinking way too much, loving someone more than life itself and caring determined to get the girl (for love or just sex). Some of my favorite songs are Lips of an Angel, a song about infidelity, Up All Night, a party anthem about getting a chick and doing it all night and Thing For You, a ballad about the morning after a one night stand but are really into the chick even though you both have partners. Check them out.

2. Chevelle

Well where do I even begin with these guys? They are a 3 piece family band consisting of two brothers and their brother in-law. There music is just so heavy yet so melodic. Every time I hear them come on I just lose my shit. They have amazing lyrics, break downs and melodies. Some people say they sound like Deftones and/or Tool but I disagree. Just listen and feel their genius and magic. The Clincher just sends me into a good mood as soon as I hear the opening cords, Punchline, a ballad that really shows off the vocalist Petes voice and just makes me  feel so many emotions at once and The Red, just wow, I can’t even explain it just listen. Chevelle are seriously a band you cannot go wrong with, get on Spotify and just listen.

3. I Prevail

A relatively new band who are probably more well known for covering the Taylor Swift song Blank Space. Fuck that song. Listen to their album Lifelines. A mix of clean and rough vocals from Michigan. Their music just touches me, makes me want to head bang and also cry. Most of their songs are hard going and make you want to just bounce around your room and sing. So energetic. If you ever get the chance to see them live I advise it so much, if you don’t you don’t know what you’re missing, honestly. Listen to Stuck In Your Head, song about an ex they’re saying fuck you to, Alone, a ballad sung by clean vocalist Brian that is very deep and heart wrenching (it’s currently being played on rock radio stations around the country) and Come And Get it, one of their heavier songs mostly sung by rough vocalist Eric and my god does it pack a punch. It’s a song basically about their haters. Just listen guys. Spotify is an amazing thing.

I’m going to leave it there for now. I’ll probably write again in a few days. Look after each other and always be kind.

Song: Hinder – Take It To The Limit

Jacksonville

I meant to write sooner but to be honest I haven’t had the time. Saturday was great. I travelled north to Jacksonville, FL in the morning and enjoyed some chill out time at Jacksonville Landing which was nice. I ate lunch by the river and just enjoyed the peace. Before the chaos commenced lol.

My purpose to be in Jacksonville was to attend Villainfest, a 10 hour concert full of local bands, the ones I saw where great. I started drinking at about 4pm (when the show started) and finished not long after. I hardly drink so I just can’t handle it like I used to be able to when I was 19-20. I’m a pussy. I didn’t even get drunk before I’d had enough.

I spent from 3:30ish with my genius Amery (who I wrote about in my last blog) and we had a great laugh. We went outside of the concert for some fresh air and ended up taking care of an underage girl throwing up everywhere and her friends who had no idea what to do lol, we’ve all been there, poor girl. We finally got her safe about 10:30pm then carried on with the concert. We finished the night in the parking lot blasting music from the car (Korn, Slipknot, Hinder, I Prevail to name a few) it was so much fun.

Sunday I travelled back to Kissimmee and spent all day doing fuck all, my body was so beat lol. I love days like that and Some people are just great to be around.

Anyway not much has happened since in life, excerpt for my sons mother taking twitter posts personal and kicking off without even asking first lol but that’s done. Anyway I woke this morning, went for a run, had a huge ass coffee then had the urge to listen to InMe, I haven’t listened to them since I was about 16 or something 😂

Anyhow I’m off. Gotta get some work done. See ya

Song: InMe – Firefly

Shout Out To My Girl

So I just thought I’d give a shout out to a special girl in my life, Amery.

She has been through so much in her life and is the strongest person I know. She is so optimistic. We met not long ago but talk constantly. She’s into great music and manages to make me laugh all the time. The amount of times we’ve spoken and I think “wow!” because this girl is so strong and mature. No matter what I’ve been through this year she just makes me feel so much better about life. I spend a lot of time complaining about stuff but Amery has had things so much worse and always looks to the positive in life. She inspires me so much. I wish I was an ounce of the person she is.

On Saturday we’re hanging out and I’m really looking forward to it. She has the same views on life as me. We message all day everyday and if I’m honest, I couldn’t get through the shit I have been through this year without her. She sends me silly pictures and silly voice messages and I laugh every time. She can take my harsh jokes and me winding her up. Hell, she has some pretty harsh jokes herself lol. They’re sick lol.

In all seriousness, I’ve complained to her about my situation and she’s been great. She’s told me all about her situation and never once wants any sympathy. Without this girl I never would have made it this far without losing my shit. She’s so kind and sweet.

I’m so happy you are in my life chick. You rock! And I will kick your arse next time I see you! It’s on 🤕 😄

Love you loads, your dude. Tommy

P.S. Never change

Song: The Wildhearts – My Baby Is A Headfuck 😂🤘

 

Ranting Again

Needed another rant. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything and that’s mainly because I’ve been too down to bother.

I’m still getting used to being the way I have been since February. I’m so used to being strong, not feeling much and just getting on with and enjoying life. I’m really not used to being down and trying my best to stay happy.

I’ve always tried my best in life to do the right thing even though sometimes they turn out the wrong thing. The only thing I’ve ever done mostly right was being a father. I am a father of two and am not allowed to see one because of my exs childish behaviour, she cannot put her personal feelings aside for the good of her daughter. My other child I see but have no  say in anything he does, dresses like, haircut he has, anything.

I really don’t think I’ll ever understand how people can behave in a certain way. My whole purpose for being on this earth is my children and I am a really good dad.  I know that and people who actually know me know that too.

I’m tired though, im tired of feeling angry, feeling hatred towards everyone in my life, feeling alone like no one is on my side, feeling like I can change things when I know I can’t, feeling impatient, feeling like I can take no more. I’ve never felt like giving up ever in my whole life until this February.

Thing is I know I’m a good person who will do anything on this planet for the people I love. I know I’m a good father (when I’m allowed to be) and I’d make a good, fun parter for someone. The thing is I’m nearly 30 and by now I thought I’d be happy but I’m really not. I’ve been on 3 dates in the last 4 weeks and they went really good. I just didn’t feel anything.

I really don’t know what the future holds but all I want in life is to be a real part of my children’s lives. So many fathers just run, I’m not one of those arseholes.

Anyway I’m off, inabit

Song: Matchbox 20 – Hang

Update

Hey, just thought I’d give a little update.

So on Tuesday I got a meeting with a lawyer in the morning to discuss what exactly she’s going to be doing for me which is good. I like this woman so far, she’s dealt with many fathers who have been denied access to their children and has a 95% success rating too. I still hate that it’s come to this and in no way needed to but I suppose it’s my last option. I’ve tried to be civil and cooperative but that’s only been met with abuse.

On another note I’ve been working my arse off here in Florida, once again found a job pretty quickly. It’s hard but I’m enjoying it. And I have a date on Sunday evening which I’m really nervous about but looking forward to. She’s a nice girl who knows about my kids and seems very accepting of my complicated situation. I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship but it’s nice to know someone finds me attractive and so far likes me for me.

Anyway that was just an update. Time to get this stupid unnecessary rollercoaster started. My kids are everything no matter what.

Song: Sixx A.M. – Live Forever