Music

I’ve been writing depressing shit as of late and to be honest I’m done. I’m exhausted emotionally and I’ve been concentrating on being my old self again. I used to be the kind of guy everyone wanted to hang out with, chat to, go on adventures with and most importantly discuss music with. I’d get messages from friends as soon as new songs dropped or a new CD came out and we’d talk about it for hours. So today I just want to talk about some of the songs/artists I’ve been listening to lately. In no particular order.

1. Hinder

When I say Hinder I mean with the old singer (Austin Winkler). I always called these guys the ‘modern day Motley Crue’ based on their love of partying, sex and love. They touch me in me heart every time I listen to them. We’ve all experienced the things they write about. One night stands, drinking way too much, loving someone more than life itself and caring determined to get the girl (for love or just sex). Some of my favorite songs are Lips of an Angel, a song about infidelity, Up All Night, a party anthem about getting a chick and doing it all night and Thing For You, a ballad about the morning after a one night stand but are really into the chick even though you both have partners. Check them out.

2. Chevelle

Well where do I even begin with these guys? They are a 3 piece family band consisting of two brothers and their brother in-law. There music is just so heavy yet so melodic. Every time I hear them come on I just lose my shit. They have amazing lyrics, break downs and melodies. Some people say they sound like Deftones and/or Tool but I disagree. Just listen and feel their genius and magic. The Clincher just sends me into a good mood as soon as I hear the opening cords, Punchline, a ballad that really shows off the vocalist Petes voice and just makes me  feel so many emotions at once and The Red, just wow, I can’t even explain it just listen. Chevelle are seriously a band you cannot go wrong with, get on Spotify and just listen.

3. I Prevail

A relatively new band who are probably more well known for covering the Taylor Swift song Blank Space. Fuck that song. Listen to their album Lifelines. A mix of clean and rough vocals from Michigan. Their music just touches me, makes me want to head bang and also cry. Most of their songs are hard going and make you want to just bounce around your room and sing. So energetic. If you ever get the chance to see them live I advise it so much, if you don’t you don’t know what you’re missing, honestly. Listen to Stuck In Your Head, song about an ex they’re saying fuck you to, Alone, a ballad sung by clean vocalist Brian that is very deep and heart wrenching (it’s currently being played on rock radio stations around the country) and Come And Get it, one of their heavier songs mostly sung by rough vocalist Eric and my god does it pack a punch. It’s a song basically about their haters. Just listen guys. Spotify is an amazing thing.

I’m going to leave it there for now. I’ll probably write again in a few days. Look after each other and always be kind.

Song: Hinder – Take It To The Limit

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Jacksonville

I meant to write sooner but to be honest I haven’t had the time. Saturday was great. I travelled north to Jacksonville, FL in the morning and enjoyed some chill out time at Jacksonville Landing which was nice. I ate lunch by the river and just enjoyed the peace. Before the chaos commenced lol.

My purpose to be in Jacksonville was to attend Villainfest, a 10 hour concert full of local bands, the ones I saw where great. I started drinking at about 4pm (when the show started) and finished not long after. I hardly drink so I just can’t handle it like I used to be able to when I was 19-20. I’m a pussy. I didn’t even get drunk before I’d had enough.

I spent from 3:30ish with my genius Amery (who I wrote about in my last blog) and we had a great laugh. We went outside of the concert for some fresh air and ended up taking care of an underage girl throwing up everywhere and her friends who had no idea what to do lol, we’ve all been there, poor girl. We finally got her safe about 10:30pm then carried on with the concert. We finished the night in the parking lot blasting music from the car (Korn, Slipknot, Hinder, I Prevail to name a few) it was so much fun.

Sunday I travelled back to Kissimmee and spent all day doing fuck all, my body was so beat lol. I love days like that and Some people are just great to be around.

Anyway not much has happened since in life, excerpt for my sons mother taking twitter posts personal and kicking off without even asking first lol but that’s done. Anyway I woke this morning, went for a run, had a huge ass coffee then had the urge to listen to InMe, I haven’t listened to them since I was about 16 or something 😂

Anyhow I’m off. Gotta get some work done. See ya

Song: InMe – Firefly

Shout Out To My Girl

So I just thought I’d give a shout out to a special girl in my life, Amery.

She has been through so much in her life and is the strongest person I know. She is so optimistic. We met not long ago but talk constantly. She’s into great music and manages to make me laugh all the time. The amount of times we’ve spoken and I think “wow!” because this girl is so strong and mature. No matter what I’ve been through this year she just makes me feel so much better about life. I spend a lot of time complaining about stuff but Amery has had things so much worse and always looks to the positive in life. She inspires me so much. I wish I was an ounce of the person she is.

On Saturday we’re hanging out and I’m really looking forward to it. She has the same views on life as me. We message all day everyday and if I’m honest, I couldn’t get through the shit I have been through this year without her. She sends me silly pictures and silly voice messages and I laugh every time. She can take my harsh jokes and me winding her up. Hell, she has some pretty harsh jokes herself lol. They’re sick lol.

In all seriousness, I’ve complained to her about my situation and she’s been great. She’s told me all about her situation and never once wants any sympathy. Without this girl I never would have made it this far without losing my shit. She’s so kind and sweet.

I’m so happy you are in my life chick. You rock! And I will kick your arse next time I see you! It’s on 🤕 😄

Love you loads, your dude. Tommy

P.S. Never change

Song: The Wildhearts – My Baby Is A Headfuck 😂🤘

 

Ranting Again

Needed another rant. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything and that’s mainly because I’ve been too down to bother.

I’m still getting used to being the way I have been since February. I’m so used to being strong, not feeling much and just getting on with and enjoying life. I’m really not used to being down and trying my best to stay happy.

I’ve always tried my best in life to do the right thing even though sometimes they turn out the wrong thing. The only thing I’ve ever done mostly right was being a father. I am a father of two and am not allowed to see one because of my exs childish behaviour, she cannot put her personal feelings aside for the good of her daughter. My other child I see but have no  say in anything he does, dresses like, haircut he has, anything.

I really don’t think I’ll ever understand how people can behave in a certain way. My whole purpose for being on this earth is my children and I am a really good dad.  I know that and people who actually know me know that too.

I’m tired though, im tired of feeling angry, feeling hatred towards everyone in my life, feeling alone like no one is on my side, feeling like I can change things when I know I can’t, feeling impatient, feeling like I can take no more. I’ve never felt like giving up ever in my whole life until this February.

Thing is I know I’m a good person who will do anything on this planet for the people I love. I know I’m a good father (when I’m allowed to be) and I’d make a good, fun parter for someone. The thing is I’m nearly 30 and by now I thought I’d be happy but I’m really not. I’ve been on 3 dates in the last 4 weeks and they went really good. I just didn’t feel anything.

I really don’t know what the future holds but all I want in life is to be a real part of my children’s lives. So many fathers just run, I’m not one of those arseholes.

Anyway I’m off, inabit

Song: Matchbox 20 – Hang

Update

Hey, just thought I’d give a little update.

So on Tuesday I got a meeting with a lawyer in the morning to discuss what exactly she’s going to be doing for me which is good. I like this woman so far, she’s dealt with many fathers who have been denied access to their children and has a 95% success rating too. I still hate that it’s come to this and in no way needed to but I suppose it’s my last option. I’ve tried to be civil and cooperative but that’s only been met with abuse.

On another note I’ve been working my arse off here in Florida, once again found a job pretty quickly. It’s hard but I’m enjoying it. And I have a date on Sunday evening which I’m really nervous about but looking forward to. She’s a nice girl who knows about my kids and seems very accepting of my complicated situation. I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship but it’s nice to know someone finds me attractive and so far likes me for me.

Anyway that was just an update. Time to get this stupid unnecessary rollercoaster started. My kids are everything no matter what.

Song: Sixx A.M. – Live Forever

I love you Abbey

Just emptying my mind for a minute. I’m a little all over the place right now. I seriously don’t know what to do for the best. As I mentioned in my last post I was talking to lawyers about visitation with my daughter. I’ve now spoken to about 5 different specialist lawyers who have basically guaranteed me visitation. I was so close to going for it but I’ve been stewing things over in my head. First thing, would taking legal action just make things worse? My sons mother was a complete nightmare for over a year after we split but just out of the blue came round and now we have a good relationship. Maybe there’s a chance my daughters mother would do the same eventually but if I take legal action would that ruin any possibility of that happening? I still haven’t made a 100% decision.

The things I can’t do with in life are liars. The amount of shit I’ve heard about myself gets me so angry. Apparently I deserted my son for the sun (florida), I can’t even believe that’s being said. I gave up everything to be with my fiancé, daughter and even take her two kids from a previous relationship on. I loved them two like they were my own. The move was a huge decision for me and it didn’t come easily. Now that decision was the thing that has ruined my life and I’m really struggling to get my life back on track, especially when all I can think about is my daughter that I may never see.

I constantly think about her, about her beautiful smile, what color her eyes will be, how fast she’ll grow, when she’ll start teething, what will be her favorite toy, what will make her laugh and how she’ll grab my finger when I hold her tiny hand.  I constantly want to just hold her and love her. She’ll forever be my little princess and I hope she’ll always know how much I love her and that she is always in my thoughts. I hope her mother doesn’t fill her head with bullshit lies about me and that she’ll one day get in touch and ask me if I want to see her, I’d just forget the past and be so grateful. I hate that parents can’t just be parents without taking their differences out by using the child. My daughter will be the one that gets the worst out of this whole situation either way. I want to raise my little girl and always be there for her but that’s been taken away. This is the hardest thing a human can ever go through.

I’m always here sweetheart, I think about you every second, I love you unconditionally and always will do. You’re my whole world

Song: Filter – Take A Picture

 

Things Shouldn’t Have Got This Far

So right now I’m in Florida and I’ve never felt so alone. My mother (who lives here) isn’t around, she’s too busy and wouldn’t even let me stay with her. She’s being a complete bitch lately.

I sent my ex a text just to let her know I was in town and that I really want her to change her mind about letting me see my daughter and to just call me. I was responded to with an abusive message from her current boyfriend. What the fuck does it have to do with him? I had nothing against him at all but now ginger tash can go fuck himself, ugly cunt.

Anyway, I’ve been left no choice but to take some sort of legal action. I was hesitant to pursue this route because I believe it can make things worse for everyone but the lawyers themselves but like I said, I’ve no choice. I’m currently half way through my consultation and my lawyer believes I can get visitation. He’s explain Florida law to me and it turns out they can remove visitation decisions away from parents and make a decision based on the child’s best interests and force a visitation contract. Yeah it’ll probably be priced but you cannot put a price on your children. They are everything.

Hate that it’s come to this, we could have just come up with something simple. Why do some parents try make things difficult for the other. It’s bullshit.

Anyway I best head out, write soon

Song: Linkin Park – With You

No problems

I’m currently sat in Starbucks having a coffee watching the world pass. A woman sat near me has been complaing about it raining and that she now cannot do her garden. She has really fucked me off. That isn’t a problem at all. It also annoys me seeing other people walking by just getting on with their day. They don’t know they’re born.

The hardest part is watching parents walking around shopping with their kids and shouting at them for no reason at all. They have no idea how lucky they are. All I want to do is love and care for my little girl and that’s been taken away from me yet these dickheads are shouting at theirs and taking them for granted.

I have no choice but to try get on with life without my daughter and without any contact but it’s so hard when all you do is think about her. I’d give anything to hear her voice, see her face or at least just be able to help provide for her.

I get so angry knowing I’m a great dad and have so much love to give yet some people don’t even deserve their kids yet have them 24/7.

I still talk to my son about his little sister and show him the few pictures I have of her and he’s becoming so sweet about her. Yesterday I showed him the pictures of her and he said “Abigail… baby sister” then kissed my ipad screen with her picture on. It completely broke my heart. He might never get to meet her.

Anyway I better head out. Coffee is all gone and the staff are staring at me lol.

Song: Matchbox Twenty – Could I Be You

Looking Straight Ahead

I feel like writing about a few things today, if I can be bothered lol.

So firstly I’d like to talk about emotional abuse a little. The reason for this is someone I know is being emotionally abused and controlled by her boyfriend and she can’t see it because she’s so into him. First of all, to all genders and cultures, controlling is never a good thing in a relationship. Trust is earned not just expected. Checking people’s phones, social media, messages and isolating them from their friends is not right ever. My friends boyfriend does this and she just does it because it makes him happy. Never let anyone do any of those things, if your partner ever asks or demands one of those things say “bye bye” because it’s only ever going to get worse. This is my opinion of cause but I believe everyone should be allowed to do what they want and talk to whoever they want without being made to feel guilty. Everyone in a relationship will have hobbies, friends, responsibilities etc outside of the relationship. That’s not a bad thing. So to that guy… Fuck you!

On a different note, this year was supposed to be the best year of my life and turned into the hardest time of my life ever. Thing is I’ve done everything I can that’s in my control to make things better and happier for everyone involved in the situation but the fact is you can’t change the choices some people make. I woke up this morning feeling like none of this is my fault, at least not anymore. My daughter will not be allowed to have a relationship with me and that is the most horrible feeling ever but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to be there if she needs/wants me for anything. When it comes to your kids you never give up until the day you die, not ever. The one thing I’ve always been good at is being a dad and I love it more than anything. I’m not going to force anything but I will be sat in hope that decisions change. It’s just hard when people have an opinion of you that is completely wrong yet won’t give you the chance prove that to them. Sometimes it’s just excuses.

On a positive note my boy, Tommy-Lee and I have never been closer. I mean we’ve always been close but our relationship feels so solid right now. When we see each other we both smile so wide and dive into each other’s arms, we play constantly and even at meal times, he refuses to eat unless I do too claiming ” Tommy and daddy do it together!?” To be honest he wants to do everything together. He won’t leave a small area with daddy coming too lol. When I take him back to his moms we have a huge drama (not that he doesn’t love his mom but because he doesn’t want to leave me). The more time I spend with him the better life is. Both my kids are everything, even though I’ve only met one. Always will be.

Anyway I’m heading out, going for a run

Song: Highly Suspect – Little One

Another Rant

It’s all been a little weird over the last couple of days. Since Abigail was born I’ve felt very lost yet full of love even though I haven’t seen her in person. I’m actually looking for some kind of support group to be able to talk to a stranger or at least get advice from people. I’m a very private person and this journal is the only way I’ve felt comfortable being honest and open. Knowing no one I know personally reads and it has helped a lot but now I feel like I need to talk to someone properly.

My family is showing no interest in Abbey. They just don’t talk about her even when I do. Well, my grandparents are going to send Abbey a card but that’s it, it’s like that’s enough. The few friends I’ve talked to about her quickly brush it off and change the subject. I feel really alone. I have no idea what to do.

When Abigail was born her mother was talking to me nicely about our daughter but then just decided she didn’t want to have contact with me again. I’ve now to go through her mother. If it was up to me I’d message everyday but I feel like that will get on her nerves and I’ll end up getting less updates, info etc. So I decided I’ll only message every couple of days.

It’s the hardest thing in the world. Knowing you have the most beautiful daughter who you can’t see, hold or just be in her presence. Wanting to talk about her constantly yet no one else does. It’s like she only exists to me yet I can’t do anything. It was hard before knowing Abbey was on the way and not being able to support her mother during the pregnancy or be able to help with the preparation for her arrival but now knowing she’s here and seeing pictures of her beautiful face yet still not being able to do anything and feeling unless is worse. Being a dad is the most important thing ever in my life and it’s killing me. She’s my princess, my gorgeous angel.

I’ve always spoken to my boy about Abbey but when I got pictures of her I showed him and he ran around the house looking for her then got upset because she wasn’t there. He cuddled up to me and we both cried. It was as if my three year old is the only person who knows how I feel in a way.

Anyway im going to try find some kind of support network, maybe it’ll help in someway. Just needed to get all that out.

bye

Song: Sixx A.M. – Smile