Needed another rant. I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything and that’s mainly because I’ve been too down to bother.
I’m still getting used to being the way I have been since February. I’m so used to being strong, not feeling much and just getting on with and enjoying life. I’m really not used to being down and trying my best to stay happy.
I’ve always tried my best in life to do the right thing even though sometimes they turn out the wrong thing. The only thing I’ve ever done mostly right was being a father. I am a father of two and am not allowed to see one because of my exs childish behaviour, she cannot put her personal feelings aside for the good of her daughter. My other child I see but have no say in anything he does, dresses like, haircut he has, anything.
I really don’t think I’ll ever understand how people can behave in a certain way. My whole purpose for being on this earth is my children and I am a really good dad. I know that and people who actually know me know that too.
I’m tired though, im tired of feeling angry, feeling hatred towards everyone in my life, feeling alone like no one is on my side, feeling like I can change things when I know I can’t, feeling impatient, feeling like I can take no more. I’ve never felt like giving up ever in my whole life until this February.
Thing is I know I’m a good person who will do anything on this planet for the people I love. I know I’m a good father (when I’m allowed to be) and I’d make a good, fun parter for someone. The thing is I’m nearly 30 and by now I thought I’d be happy but I’m really not. I’ve been on 3 dates in the last 4 weeks and they went really good. I just didn’t feel anything.
I really don’t know what the future holds but all I want in life is to be a real part of my children’s lives. So many fathers just run, I’m not one of those arseholes.
Anyway I’m off, inabit
Song: Matchbox 20 – Hang
Hey, just thought I’d give a little update.
So on Tuesday I got a meeting with a lawyer in the morning to discuss what exactly she’s going to be doing for me which is good. I like this woman so far, she’s dealt with many fathers who have been denied access to their children and has a 95% success rating too. I still hate that it’s come to this and in no way needed to but I suppose it’s my last option. I’ve tried to be civil and cooperative but that’s only been met with abuse.
On another note I’ve been working my arse off here in Florida, once again found a job pretty quickly. It’s hard but I’m enjoying it. And I have a date on Sunday evening which I’m really nervous about but looking forward to. She’s a nice girl who knows about my kids and seems very accepting of my complicated situation. I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship but it’s nice to know someone finds me attractive and so far likes me for me.
Anyway that was just an update. Time to get this stupid unnecessary rollercoaster started. My kids are everything no matter what.
Song: Sixx A.M. – Live Forever
Just emptying my mind for a minute. I’m a little all over the place right now. I seriously don’t know what to do for the best. As I mentioned in my last post I was talking to lawyers about visitation with my daughter. I’ve now spoken to about 5 different specialist lawyers who have basically guaranteed me visitation. I was so close to going for it but I’ve been stewing things over in my head. First thing, would taking legal action just make things worse? My sons mother was a complete nightmare for over a year after we split but just out of the blue came round and now we have a good relationship. Maybe there’s a chance my daughters mother would do the same eventually but if I take legal action would that ruin any possibility of that happening? I still haven’t made a 100% decision.
The things I can’t do with in life are liars. The amount of shit I’ve heard about myself gets me so angry. Apparently I deserted my son for the sun (florida), I can’t even believe that’s being said. I gave up everything to be with my fiancé, daughter and even take her two kids from a previous relationship on. I loved them two like they were my own. The move was a huge decision for me and it didn’t come easily. Now that decision was the thing that has ruined my life and I’m really struggling to get my life back on track, especially when all I can think about is my daughter that I may never see.
I constantly think about her, about her beautiful smile, what color her eyes will be, how fast she’ll grow, when she’ll start teething, what will be her favorite toy, what will make her laugh and how she’ll grab my finger when I hold her tiny hand. I constantly want to just hold her and love her. She’ll forever be my little princess and I hope she’ll always know how much I love her and that she is always in my thoughts. I hope her mother doesn’t fill her head with bullshit lies about me and that she’ll one day get in touch and ask me if I want to see her, I’d just forget the past and be so grateful. I hate that parents can’t just be parents without taking their differences out by using the child. My daughter will be the one that gets the worst out of this whole situation either way. I want to raise my little girl and always be there for her but that’s been taken away. This is the hardest thing a human can ever go through.
I’m always here sweetheart, I think about you every second, I love you unconditionally and always will do. You’re my whole world
Song: Filter – Take A Picture
So right now I’m in Florida and I’ve never felt so alone. My mother (who lives here) isn’t around, she’s too busy and wouldn’t even let me stay with her. She’s being a complete bitch lately.
I sent my ex a text just to let her know I was in town and that I really want her to change her mind about letting me see my daughter and to just call me. I was responded to with an abusive message from her current boyfriend. What the fuck does it have to do with him? I had nothing against him at all but now ginger tash can go fuck himself, ugly cunt.
Anyway, I’ve been left no choice but to take some sort of legal action. I was hesitant to pursue this route because I believe it can make things worse for everyone but the lawyers themselves but like I said, I’ve no choice. I’m currently half way through my consultation and my lawyer believes I can get visitation. He’s explain Florida law to me and it turns out they can remove visitation decisions away from parents and make a decision based on the child’s best interests and force a visitation contract. Yeah it’ll probably be priced but you cannot put a price on your children. They are everything.
Hate that it’s come to this, we could have just come up with something simple. Why do some parents try make things difficult for the other. It’s bullshit.
Anyway I best head out, write soon
Song: Linkin Park – With You
I’m currently sat in Starbucks having a coffee watching the world pass. A woman sat near me has been complaing about it raining and that she now cannot do her garden. She has really fucked me off. That isn’t a problem at all. It also annoys me seeing other people walking by just getting on with their day. They don’t know they’re born.
The hardest part is watching parents walking around shopping with their kids and shouting at them for no reason at all. They have no idea how lucky they are. All I want to do is love and care for my little girl and that’s been taken away from me yet these dickheads are shouting at theirs and taking them for granted.
I have no choice but to try get on with life without my daughter and without any contact but it’s so hard when all you do is think about her. I’d give anything to hear her voice, see her face or at least just be able to help provide for her.
I get so angry knowing I’m a great dad and have so much love to give yet some people don’t even deserve their kids yet have them 24/7.
I still talk to my son about his little sister and show him the few pictures I have of her and he’s becoming so sweet about her. Yesterday I showed him the pictures of her and he said “Abigail… baby sister” then kissed my ipad screen with her picture on. It completely broke my heart. He might never get to meet her.
Anyway I better head out. Coffee is all gone and the staff are staring at me lol.
Song: Matchbox Twenty – Could I Be You
I feel like writing about a few things today, if I can be bothered lol.
So firstly I’d like to talk about emotional abuse a little. The reason for this is someone I know is being emotionally abused and controlled by her boyfriend and she can’t see it because she’s so into him. First of all, to all genders and cultures, controlling is never a good thing in a relationship. Trust is earned not just expected. Checking people’s phones, social media, messages and isolating them from their friends is not right ever. My friends boyfriend does this and she just does it because it makes him happy. Never let anyone do any of those things, if your partner ever asks or demands one of those things say “bye bye” because it’s only ever going to get worse. This is my opinion of cause but I believe everyone should be allowed to do what they want and talk to whoever they want without being made to feel guilty. Everyone in a relationship will have hobbies, friends, responsibilities etc outside of the relationship. That’s not a bad thing. So to that guy… Fuck you!
On a different note, this year was supposed to be the best year of my life and turned into the hardest time of my life ever. Thing is I’ve done everything I can that’s in my control to make things better and happier for everyone involved in the situation but the fact is you can’t change the choices some people make. I woke up this morning feeling like none of this is my fault, at least not anymore. My daughter will not be allowed to have a relationship with me and that is the most horrible feeling ever but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to be there if she needs/wants me for anything. When it comes to your kids you never give up until the day you die, not ever. The one thing I’ve always been good at is being a dad and I love it more than anything. I’m not going to force anything but I will be sat in hope that decisions change. It’s just hard when people have an opinion of you that is completely wrong yet won’t give you the chance prove that to them. Sometimes it’s just excuses.
On a positive note my boy, Tommy-Lee and I have never been closer. I mean we’ve always been close but our relationship feels so solid right now. When we see each other we both smile so wide and dive into each other’s arms, we play constantly and even at meal times, he refuses to eat unless I do too claiming ” Tommy and daddy do it together!?” To be honest he wants to do everything together. He won’t leave a small area with daddy coming too lol. When I take him back to his moms we have a huge drama (not that he doesn’t love his mom but because he doesn’t want to leave me). The more time I spend with him the better life is. Both my kids are everything, even though I’ve only met one. Always will be.
Anyway I’m heading out, going for a run
Song: Highly Suspect – Little One
It’s all been a little weird over the last couple of days. Since Abigail was born I’ve felt very lost yet full of love even though I haven’t seen her in person. I’m actually looking for some kind of support group to be able to talk to a stranger or at least get advice from people. I’m a very private person and this journal is the only way I’ve felt comfortable being honest and open. Knowing no one I know personally reads and it has helped a lot but now I feel like I need to talk to someone properly.
My family is showing no interest in Abbey. They just don’t talk about her even when I do. Well, my grandparents are going to send Abbey a card but that’s it, it’s like that’s enough. The few friends I’ve talked to about her quickly brush it off and change the subject. I feel really alone. I have no idea what to do.
When Abigail was born her mother was talking to me nicely about our daughter but then just decided she didn’t want to have contact with me again. I’ve now to go through her mother. If it was up to me I’d message everyday but I feel like that will get on her nerves and I’ll end up getting less updates, info etc. So I decided I’ll only message every couple of days.
It’s the hardest thing in the world. Knowing you have the most beautiful daughter who you can’t see, hold or just be in her presence. Wanting to talk about her constantly yet no one else does. It’s like she only exists to me yet I can’t do anything. It was hard before knowing Abbey was on the way and not being able to support her mother during the pregnancy or be able to help with the preparation for her arrival but now knowing she’s here and seeing pictures of her beautiful face yet still not being able to do anything and feeling unless is worse. Being a dad is the most important thing ever in my life and it’s killing me. She’s my princess, my gorgeous angel.
I’ve always spoken to my boy about Abbey but when I got pictures of her I showed him and he ran around the house looking for her then got upset because she wasn’t there. He cuddled up to me and we both cried. It was as if my three year old is the only person who knows how I feel in a way.
Anyway im going to try find some kind of support network, maybe it’ll help in someway. Just needed to get all that out.
Song: Sixx A.M. – Smile
So on Friday morning I woke to a message from Laura’s mother letting me know that Abigail was born on Tuesday 27th June weighing 7lbs. My god my heart melted and I became so anxious for some reason. I messaged Laura unsure if she’d even get it but she did and she sent me four pictures of Abbey. I know I’m bias but oh wow, she’s the most beautiful girl ever. I started crying and just stared at her for the rest of the day and night. I felt this huge overwhelming happiness and this huge sadness all at the same time. Still feel like that. Wow I’m a dad again but unfortunately an absent one, for now.
I wish I could say I’m proud, oh don’t get me wrong I’m so proud of Abbey and so proud of Laura, she’s done such an amazing job. It must have been hard for her doing this alone. Thing with Laura is she’s the toughest chick I know but is also such a big softy (don’t tell her I said that, she’ll punch me lol). She’ll pretend everything’s fine when actually she’s probably feeling alone and down. Oh I’m sure she’s so happy about Abbey and loves her more than anything but it must be hard in her situation. Well she should be so proud of herself, I’m sure as hell am proud of her, she’s done amazing and I have no doubt she’ll continue to be the best mummy ever. I don’t doubt that for a second. I wanna give Laura a big hug and tell her she’s amazing then grab Abbey and fuss over her like a crazy person lol. I need to get out to Orlando as fast as possible.
I’ve hardly told anyone that Abbey is born. I told my friend in NY, my grandparents, a close friend and my sister but that’s all. Mainly because most of my family and people I know have not been supportive and have been very judgemental. I don’t give a fuck though, it’s not their baby. I’ll do anything and everything in my power to be there and help raise her right. My god she’s so gorgeous ❤️
Anyway I got to head off, I’m taking my son to see PJ Masks who are in town. I might be more excited than him lol
Song: Saint Asonia – Waste My Time
Hey. Just thought I’d write about the weekend. It was good but also a little exhausting. On Friday I got a small tax return so spent it all on both my kids. Tommy-Lee got a few toys and a new bike, he’s only three but he loves sitting on an old one my grandparents have. I sent Abby a baby basket with lots of stuff to help her mum out and some odd pieces for Abby herself and a horse teddy with her name on it. I even sent Laura some flowers for the due date as a nice gesture, they’ll probably go straight in the trash when she sees they’re from me but meh.
I did a one of DJ slot on Saturday night which was awesome. Some cool bands played and the crowd was great. I ended up being dragged up to the monthly rock night by a few customers and even though it was pretty shit there I saw some people I haven’t seen in years. Had a lot of heart to hearts and even a drunken cry with a friend whose girlfriend left him for someone else and he’s having a hard time. Was just sad but we ended up going on a night walk after the club closed. I walked him home and his mother had just got in herself, she gave me a big hug and went on about how much her son looks up to me (fuck knows why) and that she’s so grateful lol. Meant a lot, especially when I’ve been feeling so unhappy and hated lately.
I actually had a few drinks Saturday, it’s been a while and to be honest I don’t miss it but was nice to just relax with friends. I walked in the club thinking everyone in there hated me but was greeted by a lot of hugs and smiles. But I swear if one more person asks why I’m not in Florida one more time there will be an injury happening to someone lol. Sunday I spent talking to an American friend about UK immigration for hours lol but that’s about it, I mostly just chilled out.
Anyway I’m facetiming my immigration lawyer today to discuss my next move so I better head out.
Song: Beartooth – Aggressive
It was Father’s Day on Sunday. As I mentioned in my last post I was spending the day with my boy which was so good. I love spending time with him. I didn’t expect a card, a message or anything from either of my kids mothers but I got a nice surprise when I picked Tommy-Lee up. Instead of jess mother coming to the door with Tommy all ready to go, Jess did. She was very nice and smiley. Out comes Tommy with a card in his hand and passed it to me. Jess said “that’s for you” with a smile. Once Tommy and I got to our destination (Shibden Park) I looked at it. Now I would have been taken back just with a smile card written by Jess on behalf of Tommy-Lee but it was a foot painting that said next to it “I’m following in your shoes” 🙈 I got so emotional and happy. Jess actually put thought into it and it meant the absolute world. From Laura? Nothing, not even a message.
Tommy-Lee and I went out for lunch together and spent ages at a national park. When we got home he just wanted to cuddle and watch PJ Masks. He was tired out lol bless him. We had the best day.
On different note I might be back in Florida sooner than I thought. I’m just waiting for some money to come through then I will be booking my flight. Big plans ahead and then I can be a part of both my children’s lives (depending if their mothers can be adult enough to coparent properly)
Anyway I got a DJ set to sort out. Always be kind to others 🤘😜🤘
Song: PaPa Roach – My Medication