Hit Hard

Last night was one of the worst nights I’ve ever had since returning to England. I was asked to DJ last-minute due to another DJ cancelling so I jumped at the chance, it’s more money after all and that’s something I really need now a days.

Everything was going really good and I kicked ass lol, well, up until about 11pm. I all of a sudden became very anxious and on edge. I walked away from the DJ booth and headed into the bathroom to just have a couple of minutes to try sort myself out, that happened a couple of times. The boss kept asking me if I was ok but that seemed to make it worse. I went back to DJing finally and I just broke down in tears. I had one of those moments where I felt nothing was ever going to get better, I was never going to see my daughter, I’m never going to find real work, I’m never going to be able to visit the states again let alone move there and I was pretty certain everyone I’ve ever crossed paths with in my life hated me with such passion. I was so certain of every one of those things. Then the suicidal thoughts entered my head.

I don’t believe I ever would commit suicide but last night I thought it was probably for the best. I’m never going to have money because I’m in so much debt, I’m living in a country that makes me miserable and I have two children to support and be there for but I have no way of supporting them financially because of my debt. I love my kids more than life itself and I will do anything I can to be there for them but last night I was so sure they’d be better off without me. Anyway I walked up to the boss in the bar where I was DJing and asked him if I could leave early. He said he could tell something was wrong and said I could go. When I got to where I’m staying I just walked around outside trying my best to contain myself and get these stupid thoughts out of my head. I managed to get rid of most of the thoughts, went inside, got in bed and cried myself to sleep.

This morning I felt OK. Embarrassed but ok. Now I’m thinking about Father’s Day tomorrow. I’m spending the day with my boy which is great. I bet I don’t get a card or a message or a “kiss my ass though”. Anyway I’ve decided to go back to the doctors on Monday, I can’t handle another night like that. I’m already half the man I was before and people are starting to notice. People asking me constantly if I’m ok, what happened in America because I’ve not been myself since I got back and even been told I seem cold. I don’t really care what people think but I hate that it’s making people ask questions. I hate attention and sympathy. I know they’re only concerned but it’s just not my thing.

Anyway I just needed to vent that out about last night. Maybe my next post will be a positive one, I got my boy tomorrow yey 😀 I’m excited.

Song: Stone Sour – Song #3

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