Love and Relationships

Today I’m going to write about a subject some people will find quite controversial. Love and relationships. The reason for this is because I’ve seen so many bullshit relationships, friends of mine who think love is enough, some people who believe attraction is enough and damn online dating of any kind.

Most of the things above bring out the stupid in a lot of people. For example, I knew a girl not long ago who was dating a guy from England and she lives in the US. The problem there is she gives her all to him, visited him multiple times in the UK, spoils him financially, genuinely seems to care for him. Now that all sounds well and good but he’s never once been to visit her, never spent a damn penny on her and to top it off, refuses to even sleep with her. When I ask her why she’s staying with him, her reply is always “because I love him”. Inside I laugh a little because she’s clearly being used but can’t see it. She believes love is enough. I call bullshit on that straight up. Now their relationship is non of my business and I don’t like getting involved. She’s asked my advice many times though and I’ve been honest with her but try and change the subject because first of all she isn’t going to listen and secondly, it’s nothing to do with me.

Online dating and long distance relationships annoy me more than anything. When I say long distance I don’t mean a few hours drive, I mean if you can’t physically be with that person at the weekend when you’re both free and finances are no issue then it’s probably too far. Sat on FaceTime doesn’t count. What are we 14 years old? Don’t get me wrong I’ve had relationships that are long distance before but I’ve always made every effort to be with that person every chance I got and guess what, it didn’t work out. If your relationship consists mostly of messenger and FaceTime then I’ll tell you now it’s not going to work. I’m not talking about people who work away a lot or are in the army, I’m talking about the start of a relationship. If you “met” them online (stop talking shit, you haven’t met them at all) and still haven’t met up with them a good few times in the space of let’s say two months then it’s probably a joke. If it’s long distance and it’s the real deal for you then would you move to be with them? No? Waste of time then. Yes? Do it and good luck. Same deal if you have commitments neither of you are whiling to sacrifice or give up, then what is the point? You want to spend the next twenty years seeing the person you love once or twice a year? Only communicating via the phone, messenger, social media and video chat? Go for it but I pity you. I get mad about this subject because I’ve known so many people in my life start relationships online, some last weeks others have lasted years, then when they finally spend some real time together, it fails. I also find dating from a distance a cop out. I’ll tell you why. You do not have the responsibility of a relationship. It’s easy to lie, easy to cheat and easy to get on with your normal routine without having to think about your partner. Real relationships require some kind of sacrifice and commitment. Your partner is now in your life so you can’t just carry on the way your were before, you now have to make time for your partner. Long distance relationships don’t have to do that, you can just carry on as before and don’t have to take them into consideration. As soon as your partner is there with you you’ll notice the difference. That puts on the pressure. Same deal with annoying habits, you don’t see them via messenger or video chat. A real relationship requires you to physically be with them often.

If you think you’re in love ask yourself these simple questions. Does your partner stop you from seeing or speaking to anyone? Do they want to read your conversations with other people? Do they tell you what to do with your social media? Do they make you feel bad for doing something in particular? Or do you think you shouldn’t tell them something because they might get pissed at you? If you answered yes to any of those questions then you are being controlled. These things are happening to people and they think they’re in love so it’s ok. None of the above is ok. Take off the heart shaped glasses and think about it.

Call me old school but I believe if you truly love someone then you should be able to see them regularly in person, hold each other, go out on adventures together, sit and talk shit together, have date nights, kiss, have sex and even build a real physical bond. You can talk to who you want, only show messages etc if you want to (everyone is entitled to privacy) and your social media is your social media. A relationship should be based on trust, fun, laughter, loyalty, time together regularly, learning the little things the person does and freedom. Love will then come along and you will have something special. That’s what I stand by. Don’t get with someone who lives hundreds of miles away, just because they’re attractive or because they’re nice and funny via messenger. Take it slow, hang out a lot, get to really know each other and when the time is right, and you’ll know, start a relationship. Good luck to you 🙂

Song: Tesla – Love Song

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Questionnaire #1

1. What Is your natural hair color? Dirty Blonde/Brown

2. Where was your default pic taken? Local restaurant

3. What’s your middle name? Peter

4. Your current relationship status? Taken

5. Honestly, does your crush like you back? She should, seen as though we’re in a relationship lol

6. What is your current mood? Tired

7. What color underwear are you wearing? Black

8. What makes you happy? Most things but mainly music, my girlfriend and traveling

10. If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change? Nothing, you learn from your past

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day- what would you be? Either a bird or a tiger

12. Ever had a near death experience? Nope

13. Something you do a lot? Work lol

14. What’s the name of the song stuck in your head right now? Well now it’s Stuck In Your Head by I Prevail

15. Who did you copy and paste this from? Some website

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you? I honestly don’t know anyone I don’t think

17. When was the last time you cried? Probably June

18. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience? Yes when I sang for a band for one night only

19. If you could have one super power what would it be? Damn, either flying or teleportation

20. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Hair and smile

22. What’s your biggest secret? None of your beezwax

23. Favorite color(s)? Black and blue

24. When was the last time you lied? I lied at work a few weeks ago to  get out of going in at 10pm lol

25. How amazing is your boyfriend/girlfriend? She really is amazing. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. Love you babe

26. Where did you meet? Rockville this year.

27. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows? Ugh hell yes!

28. What are you eating or drinking at the moment? Coffee, no food

29. Do you speak any other language? I talk shit and sarcasm. But seriously I’m learning Spanish though.

30. Where were you born? Bradford, England

31. Where do you live now? Celebration, Florida

32. What’s your favorite smell? I always loved the smell of petrol and fresh mountain air.

33. If you could describe your life in one word what would it be? Exciting

34. What do you hope happens by the end of the year? I hope to have my kids in my life.

35. When was the last time you gave/received a hug? From my girlfriend two days ago

36. Have you ever been kissed in the rain? Yes

37. What are you thinking about right now? What am I going to do tomorrow

38. What should you be doing? Probably sleeping

39. What was the last thing that made you upset/angry? Some woman shouting at her kid in Publix and he wasn’t even doing anything wrong

40. How often do you pray? Fuck off! Lol

41. Do you like working in the yard? I don’t have one so yes, I love it.

42. If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want? I honestly don’t know.

43. Do you act differently around your crushes? I used to try act perfect for them but then they never got to see the real me. So no I don’t anymore.

44. Name one song that reminds you of an ex? The Wildhearts – My Baby Is a Headfuck

45. What number question wasn’t included in this survey? 21

Health and Stuff

Ok so today I thought I’d write a little bit about how I’ve been feeling lately. Nothing depressing I promise lol. Just some little things I wanted to just let out, after all this is why I started blogging in the first place. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but no one I know in my personal life knows I write these blogs, I keep it separate from my life really. I’m not very good at opening up to people so this is my way of letting some shit out.

Health wise I’m good. I wouldn’t say I’m a healthy person but I sure wouldn’t say I’m unhealthy. I do a little exercise (well running, I only go maybe once a day if work allows it and I have a cool little app that tracks everything I do) I’ve been doing that for a few months now. I enjoy the scenery and the peace. I feel loads better for starting it up. I’m no dedicated runner but if I have some free time I’ll whack on my trainers and off I go. I don’t plan a time or even a route. I just open my door, start my app and go. I don’t want to have a six pack or muscles, I think that look so gross but just to feel better inside.

I haven’t eaten meat since March this year. I gave that up for health reasons. I was never a big meat eater anyway but I started feeling a little sick and bloated every time I ate meat so I just decided fuck it. I guess I’m a vegetarian now, not that I class myself as one really, I don’t really know why I don’t but I guess I am lol. At first I thought it would be hard to only eat non meat products but to be honest it’s been easy as hell. I’m loving it and damn veggie food is tasty. Especially when I cook 😉

When I was a teenager and in my early twenties I used to drink like crazy. I am not and have never been an alcoholic, alcoholic means you are reliant on alcohol, you need it  whether you want to drink or not. I just used to drink because in England it’s a very sociable thing to do. As I got older I drank less and less, yes I enjoy a nice beer every now and again and hell I’ll even go on the odd piss up with friends but that’s a rare occourance. Now a days I hardly drink at all. Like I said before I still enjoy a beer but now a days I probably have two pints a week if that. It’s easy to have a social life in Florida without going to the bars. When I get home from work there’s so many different things I want to do before I think about having a beer. My point here is that I’ve cut alcohol out nearly all together and feel cleaner inside if that makes sense.

Smoking, I’m still working on that. I have a very addictive personality. I’m not talking about drugs or alcohol. I’m talking about hobbies most of all. If I get into a TV show, an activity or music I will be really really into it lol. I watched Mad Max as a kid and became fascinated with the post apocalyptic world of any kind for example, I can’t get enough music in my ears and I love to read or watch anything on mental health/psychology after working in that field in England. But smoking is something I’ve struggled to give up for a long time. I used to enjoy it, especially with a drink but now a days I hate it. I feel ashamed when I light one up and I feel dirty inside for a while after I put one out. For the last couple of weeks I’ve only been having maybe three a day. One when I wake up, one after dinner and one before bed. Trust me, for me that’s good. I used to be able to inhale twenty a day easily. Anyway stopping smoking is a work in progress.

Ok I’m going to leave it there for today. Some of us have jobs to get to. I might do one of those silly MySpace quizzes later tonight after my run for fun (remember those lol?)

Bye x

Song: Five Finger Death Punch – Coming Down

Daddy

There is no sweeter sound in the world than the word Daddy from the mouths of your children.

From sweetness to the bitterest pill that you are forced to swallow when your relationship to your kids mother collapses, you will no longer be spending every day with your children or in my case not at all. When you wake up, they won’t be there. When you arrive home from work they will not greet you. Lastly when you go to bed at night, you will not be able to check in on them and kiss their foreheads.

These realisations are sudden and devastating. They’re accompanied by fear over how their lives will be affected and a crushing sense of failure that your children, the most precious people in your world, will no longer have a stable loving home with their Mummy and Daddy. Then comes the heart-wrenching inevitable realisation of a new truth: sooner or later another man will become a significant person in the lives of your children. Nothing can prepare you for this hurt, pain, and sense of powerlessness.

You set about doing what you can to create a new life for them, trying to prepare for their future, always making sure that they know that you love them and are there for them even when you’re not there physically. It is the hardest thing a father will probably ever go through.

I eventually reached a crossroads with four paths. Some men commit suicide because they can’t handle the anguish. Others resort to violence and anger against the ex. The thirds set take the difficult road, and sacrifice years of their happiness, battling on a hopeless battle with the ex, just to maintain some sort of contact with the kids. The fourth way, is to simply give up, and decide that the cost to the child through seeing the conflict, and to oneself, is too high.

I considered most the above paths for a long time and was tempted by more than a few of them.

Some people will say it would be the noblest thing to carry on fighting regardless. ‘I would do anything for my kids!’ Frankly, I feel that’s very naive and is almost always a view propagated by women. Any father who has been generously granted a weekend every two weeks will know the feeling when you say goodbye. You’re just getting used to having them around, and they are gone. It’s like having a wound that never heals. Like a band-aid being ripped off over and over. The thing is I’ve never even met my daughter and I feel that pain more and more every day.

People who don’t know the situation raise their hands in horror, or pass judgement, assume that I must be a terrible father to be denied access to my child because “no mother would do that to their child!” But that is simply not true.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my girl. Sometimes I see children in shops that look like my child and find it hard not to break down. Sometimes I can’t take my eyes away. Even the clothes are the same. I don’t like to watch movies with children of that age in them. I had to remove all the photographs that I had of my child and every other item and put them in a box. And that’s where all those emotions are now. In a box, held tightly under control, so that I can try and enjoy some semblance of a normal life. It doesn’t really work.

I am in despair that many people and the courts expect the impossible. They expect the man to be totally interested, committed, involved with his child’s life – and yet – they make it impossible for that involvement to happen. How can you remain interested and involved when you are given no information about the child’s everyday life and when even the most basic contact is made difficult or impossible.

Anyway I’m gonna leave it there, I’m getting myself all worked up.

Song: Tonic – If You Could Only See

Jax

So this weekend has been exhausting but a lot of fun. Friday started off a bit shit because I only went and dropped my phone in a pool, therefore it is now fucked lmao. Hopefully it should be fixed by tomorrow so if anyone needs me just use messenger or something. I was a little lost without it at the weekend. Anyway, Friday evening I set off to Jacksonville and had a great time. I picked Amery up from work and we just chilled out because it was rather late by that point to actually do anything.

Saturday I got up about 5am so I could go for a run. A music-less run (because my phone be fucked 😐) but the quiet was actually quite nice. Jacksonville is beautiful aside from all the drunks and druggies stumbling about at that time in the morning. After my fun I got changed and Amery and I went exploring the city. We eventually ended up going to the cinema because it started storming and watched some movie about a British spy (I’m convinced spies are never any other nationality but British) because Amery wanted to take the piss out of me and my accent 🙄 Anyway that’s about it lmao.

I set off back to Orlando this morning (Sunday) and my legs are absolutely killing me. After Saturday’s run, walking most of the day and an evening run out with the druggies and drunks again lol, my legs have decided not to be functional today. They better wake the hell up though because I’m going to the Halloween Horror Nights thing at Universal Studios tonight and I’m going to need them to do a different kind of running 😂 I’m a pussy at these things.

I started Abigail’s blog up where I can write directly to her this week. I’ve only done one post so far. I’m going to write to her every time something is happening in my life, something happens that I wish she was with me for (which is everything but you know what I mean) but otherwise I’m never going to go longer than a month without writing to her about just general stuff. I love her so much words can’t even come close to explaining how much.

Anyway just wanted to write a bit. I hate leaving it too long between posts.

Song: Linkin Park – Lying From You

Life Is Looking Good

I know I haven’t written in a while, to be honest it’s just been work keeping me away. Even though my job pays shit I still enjoy it.

This last week has been crazy. I’ve been living homeless since Saturday until I can find a place, I’ve been doing a little couch surfing, sleeping in garages and even in my car. It could be worse, at least it’s warm lol. My town has still not fully recovered from Irma so I’ve been out helping with the neighbor hood clean up which is cool, I’ve been cutting trees and dragging them in to my car to dispose of. Thing is in my village there is a lot of elderly people and single parents with kids so they have been in need of help. Saying that I should probably clean out my car.

My girlfriend has been so cool lately, she’s so positive, happy, sick sense of humour lol, and calls on me everyday to just say hey, tell me about some stupid shit and to say she loves me. She’s a star. I hate it when she puts her self down, she has body image issues (who doesn’t to be fair). I’m in the best shape of my life but still am not happy. The thing is she looks amazing, gorgeous eyes, sexy as hell smile and the best butt I’ve seen in my life 😜 I really wish she could see herself through my eyes.

I’ve decided to start up a new blog too. But this one will only be for my daughter to read. It’s basically going to be me writing weekly or monthly to her and it gives her the chance to reply if she wants. Like our own communication system. It’s going to be awful for her growing up without a father, I know so many people who have and they all tell me they wish they’d have had some kind of contact. When you have no contact with your child that you love more than life itself it’s hard. She’s just over three months old now and I miss her every day. I decided to do this second blog so at least in the future she can read it and know her daddy always cared, always loved her and always wanted to be in her life. I will still send Birthday and christmas cards every year but my fear is that if her mother moves then I will never know and Abigail will never get them. Still will send them though just incase. I need to stop worrying about it so much, it’s been taken out of my control so there’s not much I can do about it but I will always do what I can.

Song: RA – Do You Call My Name

Post Irma

So on Saturday Irma hit Florida. Seen as though I was going to be house bound for two days I decided to through a bit of a hurricane party. Last year Matthew did fuck all in Orlando but the same precautions where taken as this year. Ok, Irma was different, she was a strong bitch. At about 10pm she shifted course and headed straight for Orlando and Kissimmee. The eye of the storm came right at us and she fucked shit up. It was so dark, loud and the wind was so powerful I couldn’t even open the door to go outside. It was awesome. Everyone was in panic but I never have scared easy so I was loving it & my adrenaline was high so I wanted to go outside into Irma. I did a few times, she nearly knocked me on my arse.

Anyway, in the morning when all was said and done my street was hardly touched. A  tree came down opposite and lost of debris blue that was it. Everywhere else in my town was different. Complete destruction everywhere. I went for a walk and saw so many large trees uprooted and thrown into the roads and people’s homes. I couldn’t stand seeing the residents attempting to clear things up by themselves when they were clearly and understandably so emotional. I spent all Sunday and Monday helping my neighbors with clearing the trees and whatever else they needed. It was a complete disaster area. It was just so weird how my street seemed to be the only one unscathed.

All my friends were fine, Amery was fine, even the 80 year old couple 3 floors up were fine. I wonder about other areas in Orlando that I haven’t seen but I’m more concerned about my daughter. I didn’t expect to hear anything but I still held on to hope that someone somewhere might have had the decency to at least just let me know. I watched the news when they were mentioning the deaths Irma caused just incase, nothing about her. If she’s ok then that’s all that really matters but still I don’t know anything. Hopefully soon enough my case for visitation will have gone through and I’ll be just as involved as her mums side. We’ll see.

Song: Stone Sour – Fabulous

Irma

Hey. So today is Friday and as most people know there’s hurricane Irma heading for Florida. Right now it’s a Cat 5 but according to the news it’ll be a Cat 4 by the time it hits Orlando. I live in the Orlando area and it’s “supposed” to get bad here. Usually I don’t care, think it’s all fear mongering and to be honest I still do. In October hurricane Matthew hit and the media made it out to be really bad but we didn’t get touched. I spent the whole time chatting and laughing with my ex fiancé about how stupid it was. It was fine.

I still believe this is going to be no big deal (well, compared to the medias description). What’s actually nice is that Orlando is pretty quite. Everyone’s at home, the store or have evacuated. I’m going nowhere lol. I’ve spent the last few days helping old folks prepare who can’t do things themselves.

Amerys being really funny. We’re talking stupid and making dumb jokes about it. She’s a little further north than me so she keeps having little serious moments of concern for me and I her to be honest. Hell, you got to try make light of bad situations.

Whats worrying me this time is if I’m wrong. Fuck my safety, I’ll be fine, always am but I have friends who are scared and my daughter. If things do get really bad then I don’t know what to do. If the power goes down then I won’t be able to contact my friends, Amery or even know if my daughters ok. That scares the shit out of me. I’m scared now. My friends and Amery I am constantly chatting to so that’s good for now but my daughter, I have no idea if she has everything she needs, is going to be safe and afterwards if she’s actually ok. If she hears a loud crash from outside, will that scare her? I know her mum will make sure she’s safe the best she can but if it’s really bad you can only do so much. I just hope someone lets me know if my girl is safe and ok.

Song: Theory Of A Deadman – Hurricane

lol ok that was cheesy. Here’s a real one.

Hellyeah – Love Falls

Labor Day

Happy Labor Day people. To be honest I wouldn’t have noticed it was Labor Day if the radio hadn’t mentioned it a million times and the football season hadn’t started, I’ve had too much work on which has kept me busy. I decided to take the afternoon off at the last minute to just chill.

I’ve spent most of the morning on the phone with a friend from the U.K. Chatting to her little boy, Harry. It’s always nice when people from England reach out to chat complete shit with me, it can get lonely here sometimes and I’m sure my friends sense it as they always call when I’m starting to go a little nuts lol.

Talking to Harry made me a sad though. Just as we hung up I was just heading into Target and found myself stood staring at the baby clothes, toys and accessories. I promised myself I’m going to stop being depressing but I became very down and empty. I miss and love my little girl so much it kills me. It’s weird missing someone you’ve never met but to me that’s only made it worse. Fuck I love that gorgeous girl, I just hope she knows that daddy does love her more than life itself and would do anything to be in her life. Not being there wasn’t my choice at all and I’d be there at the drop of a hat anytime.

Anyway depressing shit done lol. I spent all day talking to Amery yesterday (as usual lol) and she’s being amazing as usual. On top of her very busy study schedule she’s just started a new job. She’s finding it tricky but she’s loving it. I’m proud of you girl 😜🤘

I’ve lost quite a bit of weight too over the last couple of months. With all the exercise and healthy eating, I’m feeling really good. I haven’t weighed myself, I’m a guy after all lol but I can feel it and see it. Like I said in my last post people have been complimenting my looks a lot lately, maybe it’s because I’m feeling a lot more confident in myself and people can see it. That’s always nice even though I hate attention lol.

Anyway I’m going to start this book I’ve had for a couple of weeks but haven’t had time to read lol.

P.S. There’s a hurricane heading to FL, Irma, due Saturday. Bring it on bitch!

Song: Breaking Benjamin – Simple Design

Vain

This week has been pretty good so far but busy. Apart from the storms and rain most of the week today is hot as hell. I wouldn’t be British if I didn’t complain about the weather constantly lol. I purchased myself a little new car about a month ago and yesterday I had to take it in to the shop for an oil change, it’s second hand but she does great, he’ll she’s been to Tampa and Jacksonville already. Haven’t thought of a name for her yet but I will eventually lol.

I ordered a framed picture of my daughter using one of the only pictures I have of her so that should arrive in a few days, I’m really looking forward to that coming, she’s so beautiful it’s crazy. She’s definitely going to be a heart breaker when she grows up. I love her like mad.

On Tuesday I had my fourth date in a month (slag I know 😂), this girl seemed cool and I think were going out again next week. We ate dinner then talked about what we want from our future lives eventually. What I’ve really appreciated from all my dates is that they’re really understanding about me having two children that I can’t see, I’m honest so I felt that should be known off the bat and every girl has been really cool about it. That surprised me.

Call me vain but after the shit this year it’s nice to have some positive attention from the opposite sex. I’m tough as hell usually but I still don’t know how to deal with compliments about my appearance so I tend to just blush and go shy. These compliments have come from every date I’ve been on and even random people while out having lunch or just getting gas. I never noticed it before, maybe it’s because I’ve had more confidence lately or something, either way it’s nice. Compliments can make people feel better regardless of their mood so yea, be nice to people 🙂

Anyway I’m heading out, gotta do some college work (I’m working on my mental health career in the US, don’t know if I mentioned that before) I have the qualifications in the U.K. but it’s different in the US.

Song: Hinder – 2 Sides of Me