The Miracle That is Music

Ok so today I’ve decided to write about one of my favourite things in the world to me and let’s face it, most people. Music.

Music can raise so many emotions in people, even for those people who struggle to show any kind of emotion. It can be very therapeutic and as a mental health professional I’ve seen and even used music as therapy. It can make you happy, hyper, sad, angry, confident, content or anything else you could even think of.

Discovering Music

Growing up my parents would always play CDs in the car (yes CDs, look them up). My mum would play things like Celine Dion, Sheryl Crow, Alanis Morissette, Depeche Mode, Soft Cell, Bon Jovi and Brian Adams. My dad would play Thin Lizzy, Tom Petty, Bob Segar, Jeff Beck,, Supertramp, Nick Cave and Bruce Springsteen. I grew up enjoying all of that stuff because I was brought up on it but I’ll always remember in my early teen years my best friend in school, Tony, texting me one day telling me to check out this band called Slipknot. I thought it was awful lol, noise and screaming (I’m a fan now btw). I started exploring music more from that point and really got into it. My first CD I purchased my self was Puddle Of Mudd – Come Clean, because I heard it on WWF wrestling and just needed to know what that song was, I still love that album today.

Live Music

Live music to me is the best thing in the world. From the feeling of the base to the atmosphere to the complete awe you feel when the lights go down and the band is about to appear on stage. At a show I feel a huge overwhelmingness of excitement and anxiety. The moment them chords start, the drums beat and the vocalist shouts something like “How you doing Orlando!!!” Or where ever you’re from lol, I just lose myself completely. I even try to meet the bands just to tell them how awesome they are if I can, I’m a complete nerd I know. I have kept every ticket I’ve ever had and keep them all in a book so I can look back on it.

Rock/Metal

I’m into all kinds of music. Rock, Metal, Punk, Country, Hip-Hop, and some Reggae. My favourite is rock and metal for many reasons. A lot of people say it’s just noise and screaming but those people never just sit down and just listen. It’s created from real life situations, influences and pure emotion. Yes sone bands can scream a lot but that’s because it’s part of the emotion to a song. A rock and metal album will have a mix of anger, joy, sadness and pure adrenaline. Most pop music is about hooking up with girls, dancing and how great life is and even when it is a ballad most songs released by pop artists are written by someone else. Rock and metal is the band in a room writing lyrics of how they’re feeling and writing and perfecting the music for the song. It’s not like Justin Bieber who gets handed the lyrics and the music already ready to go, they work damn hard.

Music is amazing no matter who you are or what you’re into, you love it, you have a favourite artist or song. From a personal note my favourite artists right now who I would completely recommend is Breaking Benjamin, Chevelle, I Prevail, Five Finger Death Punch, Shinedown, Papa Roach and Pearl Jam. I could write on this subject all day so I’m going to leave it here. Listen to your radio, music collection and definitely go to shows. Enjoy this amazing gift we’ve all been blessed with regardless of genre or style. Turn it up and sing along.

Song of the day: Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody

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Thanksgiving

Happy thanksgiving. It’s probably my favourite holiday apart from Halloween. Being raised in England I never celebrated it growing up as it’s not a thing in the UK but as I got older I started celebrating it personally because I think the meaning of it is very important but to me it’s a day when people can be thankful for things and people they take for granted most of the time, today is the day we take a good look at those things and appreciate them. Unfortunately as humans we don’t bother to think about the little important things in life that we have and we tend to feel ‘entitled’ to have things or be treated a certain way. I’m going to take a few minutes to give thanks to some things/people in my life that I feel so lucky to even have no matter how big or small.

My Children
This year has been the hardest year of my life. Both mothers to my beautiful children made a decision to disallow me to be in my kids lives for selfish reasons. Now I’m not here to bitch and moan about it I’m simply here to say thank you. I’m so thankful for both children being on this planet whether or not I see them, I’m so grateful to have spent the few short years I have done with my son, Tommy-Lee (3), he’s such an amazing child, a beautiful little guy and the weirdest funniest character. I’m thankful my beautiful daughter, Abigal (5 months), is here too, her beautiful smile warms my heart every time I see her pictures. I’ve never met Abbey but that doesn’t mean I love her or am thankful for her any less. I look at her pictures multiple times a day and I well up. To both my kids, I love both of you more than anything on this planet and I will do everything in my power to be in your lives someway I promise. I’m always here for you no matter what. To their mothers, thank you for everything you do for them and taking care of them. We don’t have the best relationships but I want you both to know you are appreciated for the things you do for them. One day I hope you’ll change your minds and let me be the dad I want so desperately to be.

My Girlfriend (Amery)
I’ve had the toughest year of my life this year, then I met Amery. Actually I met this girl in April and we just hit it off. We hung out as friends for a while then we finally decided to take it further. She knows how screwed up my life is at the moment yet she doesn’t seemed fazed by it at all. She’s been so supportive, encouraging, helpful and so loving it’s crazy. We spend everyday we have free together and talk every night on the phone. We are bother really busy people yet both make effort to see and talk to each other. Also she is the funniest person I’ve ever met, she has me in stitches laughing all the time, we spend everyday we have together laughing and making fun of each other. She’s smart as hell, funny af and so beautiful. She knows how distant I am with people yet she never stops trying to show me she’s there and how much she loves me. I’m a pain in the arse yet she can handle me when no one else has ever been able to. Baby, I am so thankful to have you and I love you so much short arse. I’m so excited for our future.

Florida
Ok this one is going to sound dumb but bear with me. It’s not the state  per say but the people and opportunities. Growing up in England was ok but Florida has taught me a lot a about the person I want to be. People here are very polite, constantly saying “hey” just because they walk pass you, always willing to chat and will do anything for you.in England people ignore you if they don’t know you and are extremely rude. When I moved into my own place last month three different people from my street went out of their way to come round and introduce themselves, welcome me to the neighbourhood. To me it’s the small things. When I used to leave Florida and head back to the UK from being on vacation I used to notice how rude people in England can be. Since I’ve being living here I’ve made more friends than I ever have in the UK, my business is starting up pretty well (which it wouldn’t have done in the UK) and to be honest my life it’s getting really good. Just being here improves my mood and attitude. I’m thankful because I’m able to embrace the person I am properly instead of pretending to be someone I’m not which I have done up until May this year.

Health
I have never been the most healthiest person on the planet, I always believed that life’s too short to be on a diet, working out and being too careful about what you do to end up not enjoying your life. I’ve drunk, smoked, eaten really unhealthily and done zero exercise most of my life yet never been ill or been in hospital. Luckily I’ve changed all that now, I hardly drink, don’t eat meat, run daily and nearly stopped smoking (that is still in progress). I’m in the best condition of my life and feel the best  within myself I’ve ever felt. I’m loving life so much because of it. I don’t plan on dropping dead anytime soon.

I’ll leave it there for now. I got to call Amery and start cooking dinner. I’m spending today, birthday and Christmas alone this year because of both of us working which sucks but it’ll be ok. Next year we’ll be spending them all together so I can’t wait for that. Anyway I hope everyone has a great day and appreciate the things and people you have in your lives.

Be kind to each other

Amerys song choice: Stone Temple Pilots – Sex Type Thing

The Girl and the Kids

I haven’t written in a while I know, that’s due to the fact I’ve been extremely busy with work and heading off for the weekend with my girlfriend.

Last weekend my girlfriend and I went up to Jacksonville for some alone time. It was great as always going away with her. We just spent the weekend chilling out and enjoying each other’s company. This weekend coming up, we’re going to head to St Augustine where she was born. I’ve been there a few times but only seen the tourist stuff. She wants to show me where she grew up, meet her grandma and her dad. I honestly cannot wait. She literally is the best person ever. So genuine, funny, kind and real. My birthday is in a couple of weeks too, Amery claims she got a surprise up her sleeve. I can’t wait.

Apart from my amazing girl I’ve been quite down lately. That’s right you guessed it, my kids. I miss them both so much. I FaceTime with my son Tommy-Lee once a week, I know it’s not much but it’s all I have with him right now. It’s always fun and he always looks so happy to see me. I love him so much, I just hope I can get him to visit soon.

My daughter , Abbey, is slightly different. She’s only twenty minutes away yet I’ve never met her. That does not mean I love her or miss her any less. What really gets me angry is that there are parents out there that spill and manage to be grown up enough to coparent together and put their child first and there are deadbeat mums and dads who do not want to be parents. Yet for me I want to parent and raise my little girl but that’s been denied by her mother who simply doesn’t want me in their life. A very selfish and immature decision. Either way I’ve done some Christmas shopping for Abbey and still saving money for her future. I nearly have the money for a lawyer and that will hopefully begin by next year.

Today is quite exciting though. The line up and tickets go on sale for Welcome To Rockville at noon, a rock festival held in Jacksonville FL. I’m currently sat waiting for it to be officially announced then I’m booking Amerys and my tickets. It’s not expensive at all which is great.

Anyway im going to make a coffee and chill before the announcement and work this afternoon.

Be kind to everyone

Song: Chevelle – Young Wicked

End of October

Hey. I finished work about an hour ago and now I’m sat on my porch with a coffee in hand and a Papa Johns pizza on the way. It’s pouring down with rain as I’m writing this but that’s all good, I love the Florida rain. I love the sound, the smells that appear and I just find it very calming.

I just wanted to write a little about my week. Nothing too deep or opinionated, just simply the week.

Work is going good. I take care of vacation homes 5 days a week in the Orlando/Kissimmee/Saint Cloud areas of Florida. It keeps me very busy and I get to work alone (besides constant phone calls) which I prefer. It pays relatively ok too. There are some things that make me feel a little irritated or anxious like doing airport runs, driving a long distance to deal with very minor issues and I even have two houses in the subdivision where my daughter lives which is ok when I just concentrate on the job and try my best not to think about it. I only have to go over there on a Thursday for maybe an hour a week so it’s not too bad. The airport runs are OK until you pick people up who have a million suitcases but didn’t tell you that before so you have to squash them all in the boot of your car lol. My job does make for some good stories though.

On Sunday I went to do some Christmas shopping for both my kids. I love doing that. The toys and small clothes always bring a huge smile to my face when I imagine them playing with them and wearing them. I’m happy with what I got them but now it’s how to get them where they need to go eventually. I guess post is probably the best and easiest way. I spend a lot of time online looking at baby and young child’s things online. There’s some cool arse stuff out there, if I was a millionaire I’d buy the whole lot lol. Every week when I get paid I still put cash into both kids savings accounts ready for their future, hell, I can’t do much so I’m going to do what I can.

I’m at this place in my life now where I’m looking forward to the future. I don’t rely on anyone else to make me happy so if things don’t go well it’s only me who can change that which works really well for me. I can honestly say I’m not angry with anyone or even dislike anyone, I’m excited about where I might live, which house which city, my next car, my next concert and I might even a pet eventually. I have some amazing friends who call or message once a day just to chat even when there is nothing to chat about. I still go to concerts alone because my friends are not into the same music as me but to be fair I’ve never really found anyone who is, maybe one or two people from my past but that’s ok because I’m used to it 🙂

I know this post is pretty much pointless but I like to keep posting, I’ve made it a habit. Anyway I’m going to head out and read my book for a bit. Remember always be nice and kind to everyone ✌️… Ooo Halloween soon, can’t wait.

Song: Sugarcult – Memory (This one just reminds me of my teenage years)

The Ramblings of a Happy Dude

Good morning! People blog for many different reasons. Some do it to advise others, some to write about their journey in life and some do it hoping to help people who may be going through something similar to themselves. I started this blog to be able to open up (something I’ve always struggled to do in person) and it was actually  advised  by my doctor when I had depression.  I chose to do a journal like site whether people read it or not and will continue to do so. I’m not writing for likes or popularity, I write just to let some weight off of my shoulders.

Today I thought I’d write about how I’ve managed to make myself happy. Only you can do that, no one else.

Throughout my whole life I’ve tried to make other people happy, proud or love me. From friends to family to even strangers. Most of the time I failed and I never understood totally why. My family always saw me as the black sheep because they were really into sports and I was into music. I remember my dad thinking I was gay because I had posters of rockstars on my wall when to him I should have had models  up instead lol. Family was never a big thing to me growing up because both my parents were too busy working or out at the bars. It didn’t bother me because I learned to enjoy my time alone, hell I still do. When it came to asking them for advise they would either say my question was stupid or tell me what I SHOULD do instead of what I COULD do. I learned very quickly to not bother asking them. As I grew older I started my own career in mental health and autism (which my dad thinks is a woman’s job therefore prompting the idea that I’m gay). I loved it  and I still do. I used to study what gets the individuals angry and showing challenging behaviour. I quickly understood that if you help them do the things they enjoy then the challenging behaviour reduces rapidly. I’m talking about this because I used the same kind of tactics in my personal life to a degree.

What I started to do over the last 6 months is to be myself, that’s something I never really have been. I’ve always altered my personality to fit the person I’m around. If I was ever with someone who was calm and laid back or someone who was a little crazy and outgoing I’d always try to match it, thinking it would make us more compatible so I’d be liked by the person. I’m 30 next month and I’ve only just figured out that being like I was is complete bullshit.

When I look back on my past relationships there was only ever two girls who I was so in love with it hurt. With both of them I completely changed my entire life and personality to make sure it worked out and to make them love me the way I loved them. Of course that didn’t work at all. Lately I decided fuck everyone, I’m going to just be myself for the first time. Looking back on my past relationships they could have easily have worked out if I’d have been me from the start. I realised I’m not a bad guy, I’m a pretty good guy. I no longer stop doing things I enjoy just incase someone I’m with doesn’t like the same stuff or would judge me for it.

Over the last three months I’ve been on 6 dates and every one of them was a great date. We all laughed and had a lot of fun. They all wanted to see me again. I currently now have an amazing girlfriend who I’m being myself with and she loves that about me. When I go for a run she makes fun of me and we laugh, when I read she calls me a nerd, when we eat she always offers me meat knowing I don’t eat it just to wind me up and when I talk about something I care about but she doesn’t she listens and doesn’t just cut me off or look bored. Before, I wouldn’t have done any of that stuff out of fear of someone thinking I’m a nerd or look stupid in my running gear or that i was boring, therefore probably being more boring by appearing like I have no interests. I’d be so anxious.

I’m rambling on now I know so I’ll rap it up. My point here is I’m happier in myself by doing things I love regardless of what other people think and I’m being myself personality and sense of humour wise instead of changing it out of fear of being judged by others. I’m happy within myself most of the time. I smile constantly and laugh so much. I’ve deleted negativity from my life and I’m looking towards the future. I’ll let anyone in my life no matter who they are or even if they’ve wronged me or we’ve fallen out before. The future is dangerous and exciting. I can’t wait 😁

Ok I’m off for a run. Always be kind ✌️

Song: I Prevail –  RISE

 

 

Love and Relationships

Today I’m going to write about a subject some people will find quite controversial. Love and relationships. The reason for this is because I’ve seen so many bullshit relationships, friends of mine who think love is enough, some people who believe attraction is enough and damn online dating of any kind.

Most of the things above bring out the stupid in a lot of people. For example, I knew a girl not long ago who was dating a guy from England and she lives in the US. The problem there is she gives her all to him, visited him multiple times in the UK, spoils him financially, genuinely seems to care for him. Now that all sounds well and good but he’s never once been to visit her, never spent a damn penny on her and to top it off, refuses to even sleep with her. When I ask her why she’s staying with him, her reply is always “because I love him”. Inside I laugh a little because she’s clearly being used but can’t see it. She believes love is enough. I call bullshit on that straight up. Now their relationship is non of my business and I don’t like getting involved. She’s asked my advice many times though and I’ve been honest with her but try and change the subject because first of all she isn’t going to listen and secondly, it’s nothing to do with me.

Online dating and long distance relationships annoy me more than anything. When I say long distance I don’t mean a few hours drive, I mean if you can’t physically be with that person at the weekend when you’re both free and finances are no issue then it’s probably too far. Sat on FaceTime doesn’t count. What are we 14 years old? Don’t get me wrong I’ve had relationships that are long distance before but I’ve always made every effort to be with that person every chance I got and guess what, it didn’t work out. If your relationship consists mostly of messenger and FaceTime then I’ll tell you now it’s not going to work. I’m not talking about people who work away a lot or are in the army, I’m talking about the start of a relationship. If you “met” them online (stop talking shit, you haven’t met them at all) and still haven’t met up with them a good few times in the space of let’s say two months then it’s probably a joke. If it’s long distance and it’s the real deal for you then would you move to be with them? No? Waste of time then. Yes? Do it and good luck. Same deal if you have commitments neither of you are whiling to sacrifice or give up, then what is the point? You want to spend the next twenty years seeing the person you love once or twice a year? Only communicating via the phone, messenger, social media and video chat? Go for it but I pity you. I get mad about this subject because I’ve known so many people in my life start relationships online, some last weeks others have lasted years, then when they finally spend some real time together, it fails. I also find dating from a distance a cop out. I’ll tell you why. You do not have the responsibility of a relationship. It’s easy to lie, easy to cheat and easy to get on with your normal routine without having to think about your partner. Real relationships require some kind of sacrifice and commitment. Your partner is now in your life so you can’t just carry on the way your were before, you now have to make time for your partner. Long distance relationships don’t have to do that, you can just carry on as before and don’t have to take them into consideration. As soon as your partner is there with you you’ll notice the difference. That puts on the pressure. Same deal with annoying habits, you don’t see them via messenger or video chat. A real relationship requires you to physically be with them often.

If you think you’re in love ask yourself these simple questions. Does your partner stop you from seeing or speaking to anyone? Do they want to read your conversations with other people? Do they tell you what to do with your social media? Do they make you feel bad for doing something in particular? Or do you think you shouldn’t tell them something because they might get pissed at you? If you answered yes to any of those questions then you are being controlled. These things are happening to people and they think they’re in love so it’s ok. None of the above is ok. Take off the heart shaped glasses and think about it.

Call me old school but I believe if you truly love someone then you should be able to see them regularly in person, hold each other, go out on adventures together, sit and talk shit together, have date nights, kiss, have sex and even build a real physical bond. You can talk to who you want, only show messages etc if you want to (everyone is entitled to privacy) and your social media is your social media. A relationship should be based on trust, fun, laughter, loyalty, time together regularly, learning the little things the person does and freedom. Love will then come along and you will have something special. That’s what I stand by. Don’t get with someone who lives hundreds of miles away, just because they’re attractive or because they’re nice and funny via messenger. Take it slow, hang out a lot, get to really know each other and when the time is right, and you’ll know, start a relationship. Good luck to you 🙂

Song: Tesla – Love Song

Questionnaire #1

1. What Is your natural hair color? Dirty Blonde/Brown

2. Where was your default pic taken? Local restaurant

3. What’s your middle name? Peter

4. Your current relationship status? Taken

5. Honestly, does your crush like you back? She should, seen as though we’re in a relationship lol

6. What is your current mood? Tired

7. What color underwear are you wearing? Black

8. What makes you happy? Most things but mainly music, my girlfriend and traveling

10. If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change? Nothing, you learn from your past

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day- what would you be? Either a bird or a tiger

12. Ever had a near death experience? Nope

13. Something you do a lot? Work lol

14. What’s the name of the song stuck in your head right now? Well now it’s Stuck In Your Head by I Prevail

15. Who did you copy and paste this from? Some website

16. Name someone with the same b-day as you? I honestly don’t know anyone I don’t think

17. When was the last time you cried? Probably June

18. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience? Yes when I sang for a band for one night only

19. If you could have one super power what would it be? Damn, either flying or teleportation

20. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Hair and smile

22. What’s your biggest secret? None of your beezwax

23. Favorite color(s)? Black and blue

24. When was the last time you lied? I lied at work a few weeks ago to  get out of going in at 10pm lol

25. How amazing is your boyfriend/girlfriend? She really is amazing. She’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time. Love you babe

26. Where did you meet? Rockville this year.

27. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows? Ugh hell yes!

28. What are you eating or drinking at the moment? Coffee, no food

29. Do you speak any other language? I talk shit and sarcasm. But seriously I’m learning Spanish though.

30. Where were you born? Bradford, England

31. Where do you live now? Celebration, Florida

32. What’s your favorite smell? I always loved the smell of petrol and fresh mountain air.

33. If you could describe your life in one word what would it be? Exciting

34. What do you hope happens by the end of the year? I hope to have my kids in my life.

35. When was the last time you gave/received a hug? From my girlfriend two days ago

36. Have you ever been kissed in the rain? Yes

37. What are you thinking about right now? What am I going to do tomorrow

38. What should you be doing? Probably sleeping

39. What was the last thing that made you upset/angry? Some woman shouting at her kid in Publix and he wasn’t even doing anything wrong

40. How often do you pray? Fuck off! Lol

41. Do you like working in the yard? I don’t have one so yes, I love it.

42. If you could have any last name in the world, what would you want? I honestly don’t know.

43. Do you act differently around your crushes? I used to try act perfect for them but then they never got to see the real me. So no I don’t anymore.

44. Name one song that reminds you of an ex? The Wildhearts – My Baby Is a Headfuck

45. What number question wasn’t included in this survey? 21

Health and Stuff

Ok so today I thought I’d write a little bit about how I’ve been feeling lately. Nothing depressing I promise lol. Just some little things I wanted to just let out, after all this is why I started blogging in the first place. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but no one I know in my personal life knows I write these blogs, I keep it separate from my life really. I’m not very good at opening up to people so this is my way of letting some shit out.

Health wise I’m good. I wouldn’t say I’m a healthy person but I sure wouldn’t say I’m unhealthy. I do a little exercise (well running, I only go maybe once a day if work allows it and I have a cool little app that tracks everything I do) I’ve been doing that for a few months now. I enjoy the scenery and the peace. I feel loads better for starting it up. I’m no dedicated runner but if I have some free time I’ll whack on my trainers and off I go. I don’t plan a time or even a route. I just open my door, start my app and go. I don’t want to have a six pack or muscles, I think that look so gross but just to feel better inside.

I haven’t eaten meat since March this year. I gave that up for health reasons. I was never a big meat eater anyway but I started feeling a little sick and bloated every time I ate meat so I just decided fuck it. I guess I’m a vegetarian now, not that I class myself as one really, I don’t really know why I don’t but I guess I am lol. At first I thought it would be hard to only eat non meat products but to be honest it’s been easy as hell. I’m loving it and damn veggie food is tasty. Especially when I cook 😉

When I was a teenager and in my early twenties I used to drink like crazy. I am not and have never been an alcoholic, alcoholic means you are reliant on alcohol, you need it  whether you want to drink or not. I just used to drink because in England it’s a very sociable thing to do. As I got older I drank less and less, yes I enjoy a nice beer every now and again and hell I’ll even go on the odd piss up with friends but that’s a rare occourance. Now a days I hardly drink at all. Like I said before I still enjoy a beer but now a days I probably have two pints a week if that. It’s easy to have a social life in Florida without going to the bars. When I get home from work there’s so many different things I want to do before I think about having a beer. My point here is that I’ve cut alcohol out nearly all together and feel cleaner inside if that makes sense.

Smoking, I’m still working on that. I have a very addictive personality. I’m not talking about drugs or alcohol. I’m talking about hobbies most of all. If I get into a TV show, an activity or music I will be really really into it lol. I watched Mad Max as a kid and became fascinated with the post apocalyptic world of any kind for example, I can’t get enough music in my ears and I love to read or watch anything on mental health/psychology after working in that field in England. But smoking is something I’ve struggled to give up for a long time. I used to enjoy it, especially with a drink but now a days I hate it. I feel ashamed when I light one up and I feel dirty inside for a while after I put one out. For the last couple of weeks I’ve only been having maybe three a day. One when I wake up, one after dinner and one before bed. Trust me, for me that’s good. I used to be able to inhale twenty a day easily. Anyway stopping smoking is a work in progress.

Ok I’m going to leave it there for today. Some of us have jobs to get to. I might do one of those silly MySpace quizzes later tonight after my run for fun (remember those lol?)

Bye x

Song: Five Finger Death Punch – Coming Down

Daddy

There is no sweeter sound in the world than the word Daddy from the mouths of your children.

From sweetness to the bitterest pill that you are forced to swallow when your relationship to your kids mother collapses, you will no longer be spending every day with your children or in my case not at all. When you wake up, they won’t be there. When you arrive home from work they will not greet you. Lastly when you go to bed at night, you will not be able to check in on them and kiss their foreheads.

These realisations are sudden and devastating. They’re accompanied by fear over how their lives will be affected and a crushing sense of failure that your children, the most precious people in your world, will no longer have a stable loving home with their Mummy and Daddy. Then comes the heart-wrenching inevitable realisation of a new truth: sooner or later another man will become a significant person in the lives of your children. Nothing can prepare you for this hurt, pain, and sense of powerlessness.

You set about doing what you can to create a new life for them, trying to prepare for their future, always making sure that they know that you love them and are there for them even when you’re not there physically. It is the hardest thing a father will probably ever go through.

I eventually reached a crossroads with four paths. Some men commit suicide because they can’t handle the anguish. Others resort to violence and anger against the ex. The thirds set take the difficult road, and sacrifice years of their happiness, battling on a hopeless battle with the ex, just to maintain some sort of contact with the kids. The fourth way, is to simply give up, and decide that the cost to the child through seeing the conflict, and to oneself, is too high.

I considered most the above paths for a long time and was tempted by more than a few of them.

Some people will say it would be the noblest thing to carry on fighting regardless. ‘I would do anything for my kids!’ Frankly, I feel that’s very naive and is almost always a view propagated by women. Any father who has been generously granted a weekend every two weeks will know the feeling when you say goodbye. You’re just getting used to having them around, and they are gone. It’s like having a wound that never heals. Like a band-aid being ripped off over and over. The thing is I’ve never even met my daughter and I feel that pain more and more every day.

People who don’t know the situation raise their hands in horror, or pass judgement, assume that I must be a terrible father to be denied access to my child because “no mother would do that to their child!” But that is simply not true.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about my girl. Sometimes I see children in shops that look like my child and find it hard not to break down. Sometimes I can’t take my eyes away. Even the clothes are the same. I don’t like to watch movies with children of that age in them. I had to remove all the photographs that I had of my child and every other item and put them in a box. And that’s where all those emotions are now. In a box, held tightly under control, so that I can try and enjoy some semblance of a normal life. It doesn’t really work.

I am in despair that many people and the courts expect the impossible. They expect the man to be totally interested, committed, involved with his child’s life – and yet – they make it impossible for that involvement to happen. How can you remain interested and involved when you are given no information about the child’s everyday life and when even the most basic contact is made difficult or impossible.

Anyway I’m gonna leave it there, I’m getting myself all worked up.

Song: Tonic – If You Could Only See

Jax

So this weekend has been exhausting but a lot of fun. Friday started off a bit shit because I only went and dropped my phone in a pool, therefore it is now fucked lmao. Hopefully it should be fixed by tomorrow so if anyone needs me just use messenger or something. I was a little lost without it at the weekend. Anyway, Friday evening I set off to Jacksonville and had a great time. I picked Amery up from work and we just chilled out because it was rather late by that point to actually do anything.

Saturday I got up about 5am so I could go for a run. A music-less run (because my phone be fucked 😐) but the quiet was actually quite nice. Jacksonville is beautiful aside from all the drunks and druggies stumbling about at that time in the morning. After my fun I got changed and Amery and I went exploring the city. We eventually ended up going to the cinema because it started storming and watched some movie about a British spy (I’m convinced spies are never any other nationality but British) because Amery wanted to take the piss out of me and my accent 🙄 Anyway that’s about it lmao.

I set off back to Orlando this morning (Sunday) and my legs are absolutely killing me. After Saturday’s run, walking most of the day and an evening run out with the druggies and drunks again lol, my legs have decided not to be functional today. They better wake the hell up though because I’m going to the Halloween Horror Nights thing at Universal Studios tonight and I’m going to need them to do a different kind of running 😂 I’m a pussy at these things.

I started Abigail’s blog up where I can write directly to her this week. I’ve only done one post so far. I’m going to write to her every time something is happening in my life, something happens that I wish she was with me for (which is everything but you know what I mean) but otherwise I’m never going to go longer than a month without writing to her about just general stuff. I love her so much words can’t even come close to explaining how much.

Anyway just wanted to write a bit. I hate leaving it too long between posts.

Song: Linkin Park – Lying From You